Hello Blog Readers! <— Wow. I never start with a direct salutation. I shy away from assuming people are reading and I don’t want to be left “hanging.”
But I’d like your help. Yes, you!
I received the following question on Facebook and think some of you (yes, you) may be able to contribute your smarts and help a sistah out.
The reason I am writing is because I have been reading your blog, and I know you are in recovery from an ED. I hope that in writing to you, you may be able to offer me an opinion, or help somehow.
One of the doctors I work with I am sure has anorexia, and is possibly bulimic as well. She has been displaying "classic" eating disorder behaviors, such as chewing food and spitting it out, not swallowing, and baking late at night. We have also found vomit in the trash at the office. She is also a compulsive exerciser-she is constantly leaving the office early to go to the gym.
Unfortunately, this has been affecting her work performance recently, and we are losing business because of it. It’s embarrassing for me when I have to hear clients comment on her appearance and behavior. She has become jaundiced from only drinking Carrot Juice.
I based my advice on how my coworkers approached me when I was very sick and still “in the closet.”
Oooh… this is hard because I don’t know her and people are different. I think a manager has to take her aside and express concern. “You do not look well…are you okay or is there something medical?…Does you need personal time?” then mention that it is effecting her performance “We have noticed that you leave early. This is becoming a problem, how can we help…." etc.
Gauge how open she is. Do not mention the ED symptoms (vomit…etc) and try and avoid talk of weight. Talk about fatigue or tardiness. If you have a friendly relationship with her you can be more specific.
Here’s a bit more about my experience while I’m on topic:
Since my office environment was familial, I had the luxury of being approached on a personal level that felt natural and caring.
My coworkers knew I had “issues” with my diet and didn’t eat cake or sugar (I claimed hypoglycemia) but they started expressing concern when my weight plummeted following the end of a relationship. I went from eating very little to nothing at all and weighing maybe 95 lbs to maybe 70 lbs. It was UG-A-LEE.
When people expressed concern I lied and said I had stomach issues and that I didn’t know what was wrong but was seeing a Dr.
When my brain and consequently my work performance suffered, my manager took me aside to intervene. She asked if I needed time off, and worried that I was so frail. I told her I was sick and couldn’t eat. I was too ashamed to tell anyone about my disorder. I focused on the stress I was going through after my break-up and a recent move.
She gave me personal days and lovingly offered support. She gave me the insurance info for mental health services, etc. She checked in with me. She was a confidante.
My condition worsened (I have little to no recollection when I was at my worst). Eventually I had to step down from a mid-management position I’d been promoted too. I was put on “probation” and my work performance was closely monitored. This was done in a very kind and loving way.
This picture is long after I got back from a brief hospital stay. Bag Empty. Cat Out. Meat on Bones.
I was “in recovery” but still not eating (during the day? Never!). I actually ended up being the birthday party planner and would order elaborate cakes each month but never eat them. I was able to feel a part of the office that way.
I was “functioning” with an eating disorder.
For the most part, besides some of the closer friends I had at work, nobody said anything. But I always assumed everyone “knew.” Offices gossip, you know.
My work-friends were understanding. They understood when I avoided company lunches. My manager would buy a special supply of sugar-free candy for me while everyone else got chocolate or she’d get me a small toy instead of a cupcake. So sweet.
I’ve had other jobs since then. My behavior and appearance are more normal and I’m more open to explain my “issues” when someone brings up food or weight so I don’t have really have this issue anymore.
And now I’d like to pass the mic.
- What would you do if you think a co-worker has issues with eating?
- Have you ever been in this position?
- If you’ve struggled with an eating disorder, has anyone at your workplace approached you?
PS- If you are a former co-worker feel free to share your experience of dealing with me when I was “snakes and monkeys on a hot, sticky messy plane.”
Don’t be scared. Spill it.
Firstly, hello back.
Secondly, Missy you truly have come quite a long way and I hope you can celebrate your successes.
Third. I think when it comes to what I would do if I suspected a co-worker had issues with eating, I would have to say something. I just cannot pass someone by who may be struggling. And that is to go beyond eating issues. Depending on the relationship, I would assess from there and figure a way to let them know I was coming from a space of concern and inquire if there was or is anything I can do to be of help. Everyone is different, so; case by case.
I have been approached. I did everything I could do to “hide” it, but that can only take you so far. Even if uncomfortable, I am glad that someone was willing to risk on my behalf.
Having been on the receiving end of too many poorly-handled “interventions” to count, I really like the response you already wrote. My thoughts are as follows:
-Don’t mention ANYTHING about weight and appearance.
-Don’t mention symptoms.
-Don’t insult intellect (especially as this case involves a doctor) by acting like the person doesn’t know what EDs are and/or that they’re dangerous.
-Don’t make assumptions. Sure, it could be an ED. But vomiting, skin discoloration, fatigue, leaving early? It could also be depression, a family problem, or even a physical disease like cancer. I’ve been asked if I had cancer; I’m sure plenty of cancer patients have been asked if they’re anorexic.
-Don’t be overbearing. This can put the ED mentality on red alert and make the person shut you out.
That said…
-DO make sure the person knows you care about him/her AS A PERSON, REGARDLESS of what he/she is going through.
-DO express your concern in a general manner, focusing [as you already said, Missy!] on professional problems like tardiness or mistakes, and following it up with a willingness to help make the situation better.
-DO listen more than you talk.
-DO know that most people with EDs are fully aware of them, and that in the end, the decision to recover is a personal one. The best you, as a friend, can do is to lend support and a listening ear, rather than being one more voice that can be interpreted as finding something “wrong”. EDs are NOT a choice and are NOT a flaw. They are psychological disorders that can be very controlling and isolating. Simply being there and being open to helping without trying to take over his/her life is your best step to help your colleague.
Scarlett,
You have really offered something that I feel like printing up and putting in my wallet. Hello wisdom! Great observations and advice.
I like the part about not making assumptions.
i think this is really helpful missy. And in some way or another, we all can relate. Whether its through a disorder or seeing someone go through. I think you answered it perfectly. To direct the persons needs, not the issue underlying it.
<3
Sorry to say it but you don’t look any better now than you did then, judging by what I see on your blog and it seems like you are still “in recovery” and not eating.
I think it is doubtful you are in a postion to offer any advice on recovery or otherwise.
I feel sorry for your coworkers – you seem like a great person but you are so so very sick. You keep blathering on about weight gain and the reality is you still have so much weight to gain.
I know it is none of my business, but as this post is about intervening I figured it was high time I said something.
I am all for anonymity….but if you are truly wanting to be helpful here, do you think that the way you just spewed, “blathering”, “high time”, “doubtful you are in a position to…”, are going to come across as “helpful” to Missy?
I suppose being “in recovery” is subjective, but I do not see why one would pick apart what Missy so kindly shares. In my opinion; she is doing a world of help in allowing others who consider themselves recovered, to those in recovery, to those who do not know if recovery is possible, to those that are very much “sick”, a place to explore thoughts, concepts, possibilities, experiences that they may otherwise not be able to have or do in their own lives.
This quote that I came across yesterday struck me, and I actually find it fitting for right now :
“The true way of softening one’s troubles is to solace those of others.”
Anonymous – she does this for me in the ways that she does. I hope that you are able to see somewhere that Missy isn’t standing on a soapbox preaching about this or that with blinders on. If you’ve been reading, then you will very clearly see that she acknowledges her struggles and her successes. Why isn’t she afforded an opportunity to share the insight that she has gained as she goes about her journey?
Missy – sorry if I just went and crossed a line. Feel free to delete this comment (though I know you have your comment policy).
thank you from the bottom of my heart.
What an amazing response! Missy is so very awesome
Why is it that those who want to be “helpful” always do it anonymously?
I want to be careful because I don’t want to trigger Missy. You do you look much healthier and have come far. Yes, you still have weight to gain and I’m sure you know it. But you are going through the process of recovery and that takes time. And one of the most important things you have on your side is awareness. Each person’s recovery is different and recovery from anorexia takes time. It has taken me over a year during this third? fourth? try to first realize I needed to be a healthy weight and then reach it. Now I am going through the process of accepting the weight gain as healthy, and struggle at times to not want to return to anorexia. Recovery takes time, but Missy, you have come a long way!
Finally, who better than someone going through recovery to offer advice and insight? Missy, you are very generous in sharing your journey and struggles and your words are invaluable.
MISSY…I truly dont believe that this “anonymous” person is trying to attack you or be mean. It sounds like they are trying to give you some advice from an outsiders perspective, which I think CAN be helpful if we use it that way. Your ED might be telling you that you dont need to gain anymore weight and you look so different but in reality, that IS NOT reality. See what I mean?
I must say though, i dont think this anonymous here was being very tactful about the situation which is ironic seeing that is what your post is about.
Also, I dont ever remember Missy saying she was done gaining weight and she is now officially “recovered”. Yes, she is in recovery and as far as I was aware she is still trying to move forward? Recovery can take a long time and weight gain can be a process for some. Not everyone goes away to IP and gains tons of weight in a 2 months. Some people do it on there long and it takes a much longer time. I think it takes longer on your own because it’s much harder to gauge how much weight you TRULY need to gain when you have your damn ED whispering in your ear all the time.
But I have 100% confidence that Missy will figure it all out, she is a fighter and she wants recovery–that much is obvious!
I do see what you mean, Dana. Thanks!
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No one at work ever said anything to me when I was at my lowest point, though I don’t know if it would have made a difference. I had only been at the job for a couple months and I wasn’t really close with anyone at work.
But I agree with the suggestions about focusing not on the ED symptoms and expressing genuine concern about the person. I think the best thing anyone can do (whether it’s a coworker, a friend, or family) is to show support, to let the person know that you are there for them and you want to see them happy. I know for me I felt so alone, and while I would never admit it, I knew I had a problem and needed real help.
I hope this works out for the best. It’s such a difficult situation for everyone involved.
This is interesting and sad at the same time….I’m not always on the other side of the fence. I think my story was similar to yours.
For me, it was church instead of work that was receptive and warm to me. They didn’t preach. They didn’t whisper about me behind my back (well, not that I know of). They didn’t treat me any different. They just showed me love, and constantly told me they were praying for me.
And when in doubt in an uncertain situation like this, all you can show, really, is love. Because I believe love conquers all. It may not completely heal a person and it’s not the absolute position, but it never ever hurts and everyone can use a little bit more love.
But that doesn’t mean ignorance, either. There can’t be true love without honesty; I agree with you in that the concerned party should approach gently, just to let the person know that anytime she/he wants to talk, you’re available.
I disagree in one aspect of your (wonderful) co-workers though. I don’t think they should have given you different treatment by giving you sugar-free candy and stuff…Although they meant well, it does nothing to challenge you, and it just draws attention to the fact that you are “different.” In my opinion (and this is just a personal thought, I’m not trying to state a fact, but express an opinion), nobody should accept or enable ED behaviors, even if their heart is in the right place. Because that creates a false sense of comfort for the ED person in that she/he doesn’t get to face any challenges. I don’t think they should force the person to eat something, but I don’t agree with creating a ED-friendly way out.
I guess…I’m just really adamant about fighting ED to the core. Living and functioning with ED is no way to live. But of course, recovery starts with the individual. No amount of outside pushing and nagging can change anything.
Sigh. ED is such a frustrating and infuriating and pitiful disease. I really, really, really HATE it.
I always feel torn when people make special accomodations for me (still happens at family meals)..
And TRUE THIS —>But of course, recovery starts with the individual. No amount of outside pushing and nagging can change anything.
*solution, not position. Dang it. Heh.
Several of my co-workers said things when I was at my worst, but it was mainly comments that I should eat and that I was too thin. I don’t think they really knew what else to say, and several were very sweet and would bring in homemade food “just for you, Angela.” I got sick with anorexia very quickly, and it was a rough fall and winter for all of us at the newspaper (I was a reporter when I developed anorexia) – first I kept dropping weight and refusing to eat barely anything, then one of the sports reporters was diagnosed with ALS, then I had to take a three-month sick leave because of the effects of my low weight – it was a nightmare, and I think my editors didn’t know what to do because they felt like two of their employees were dying before their eyes. So they just kept saying constantly that I needed to gain weight, would I please eat, and I would feel guilty because I couldn’t do what they wanted. I understand why they struggled with what to say or do. I don’t know if they realize, but just expressing concern helped push me a little bit towards getting help. Knowing that they cared and were trying, not just thinking I was being a problem helped.
Yup,. most people don’t know what to say.
Ironically, most of the interventions happen when we get tooo thin.
I mean, I looked like a skeleton when the problem was adressed more seriously. I acted like one, too.
I’m sorry that you seem to receive so many attacks lately in the name of helping you. It is discouraging to me to see that much of the world still doesn’t understand ed, nor do they want to. Keep pressing on. You are going to make it through. Keep getting stronger. Keep fighting, Girl!
I really like your advice on this subject. I have had well intentioned friends try to force feed me on a number of occasions. I would much rather have been confronted in a caring manner as you described. The best responses I have had are, like you mentioned, not based in weight loss, appearance or ed like behaviors. It is so much less threatening to respond to questions about health, performance, etc. I’m not sure why that is the case. I knew I had an ed but being asked abt that specifically brought my guard up and made me deny/lie about it.
Only those closest to me were the ones who I wasn’t offended with the brush of my cheek and the “You are looking awfully thin, my friend.” Very few could comment like that without me panicking and trying harder to hide it.
It is so much less threatening to respond to questions about health, performance, etc. <—-Very important point!
I have gotten comments at work about my ed before…I held the majority of the jobs during my worst time during high school and they never lasted very long. A few months here or there. I think the most hurtful thing I co-worker ever said to me was when I worked at a seafood restaurant. She told me I “looked like an Ethiopian.” Sooo insensitive, not just to me but to the people who battle famine every single day of their lives!
I’ve heard “Aids Patient”….that was nice.
gosh it is tough. I haven’t met someone at work, but i have known people I think struggle, and i never know how to go about it. I am afraid to make myself vulnerable, and tell them that I know what they are going through, but at the same time I think they will just see me as prying if I don’t show them that I know and care what they are going through :/ I agree though, that it is REALLY important to let them know that you care about them, not about what others think, but about them and their happiness.
Missy, gosh in a way this was lovely to read, as it is a way we can get to know your experiences more, but im just sorry you have had to deal with all of this, anorexia and any eating disorder for that matter is such a hellish way to live, and i only hope that you continue to make those positive steps in your recovery.
I think if i had a co worker who was presenting signs of having an eating disorder i would speak to her, I mean I would be very sensitive and possibly not mention anything about the signs you can see, but maybe say something like you dont seem yourself, you know im here, blah blah blah. It gives them the opportunity to realize you care and are going ot be there, if they choose to speak with you, however chances are they will not speak with you, because they may feel ashamed etc. It could be a few weeks later than you present again concerns and maybe mention those signs that you have been noticing, but its really important to let them know you are willing to help, and offer any advice you possibly can.
I’ve never had people ask me if im ok in a nice way, I have rude and naive comments thrown at me, and even family members being very ignorant about it, which was extremely hard for me to deal with.
Love Jess
I’ve gotten rude comments too…no fun.
I am sorry noone was kinder to you.
I loved this post because it took so much courage to talk about your ED in workkplace.
Unfortunately, I have never been approached by coworkers when I didn’t join them for lunches, or corporate events. I believed that it was because they really did not know what to say and there was also my Deafness. They probably felt intimidated by how to approach me in fear that it may came across as “discrimination”. This was why I struggled with my ED for so long because I felt I did not really have a problem. Otherwise, people would have approached me if I did have a problem. This was one of lies that my ED fed to me.
I also loved this post because I saw so many people standing up for you, Missy!
You are loved.
XXXX,
Ash
It’s so hard to know how to respond to a friend you feel is in difficulties. I guess I would just ask, ‘Is everything ok? If you want to talk about anything, I am here to care and listen- I might not know what to say, but I can care and I can pray. Please know that I am here if you need me’. All very well in practice, but soooo much harder to actually come out with if you are really scared of offending, hurting someone or saying the wrong thing.
I’ve never commented here before but I have read before.
Back in February, my boss confronted me about my eating habits. Notice I said habits, not disorder. Nobody at the office “diagnosed” me, but I mean, it’s pretty obvious when you’re around someone 8-9 hours a day and don’t really see them eat, they avoid food, etc. I’m a distance runner, so I can be thin without anyone worrying too much as people can sometimes think “oh, she’s skinny because she’s a runner” (well, that’s only part of it).
I went to therapy twice- upon my boss’ suggestion I seek professional counseling. I went to a nutritionist. I now go to the doc every three months. I always bring my job excuses when I seek professional help. I was also offered the option of taking time off if I needed it, but I didn’t do that. Still, if I have to leave early or something, I guess my job understands.
One thing was that I did get the impression that my boss wanted to help, rather than wanting me to leave the job or trying to use it as a way to get rid of me. I do think I could go to them with whatever I needed and they’d help and understand. Unfortunately, not everyone works where I do.
A.L.
Hello!!! I think this is one of the most helpful replies, as the woman who asked is the manager.
[...] wrote here about a dramatic weight loss coinciding with a relationship blow-out. That was 2004 – the [...]