My career (or lack thereof) made an appearance as the topic du jour between my father and I recently. Back on New Year’s Eve, I told him my goal was to have a “career plan” in place by June 30th. He remembered. He asked me what it was.
I told him “It’s a secret.”
Then I admitted to feeling incompetent, incapable and paralyzed. I admitted I have no idea what to do, much less what to do about it.
Stuck. Frozen. Paralyzed. “I’m lost.”
This is what he said to me:
“Do SOMETHING. Don’t do nothing. If you do nothing, it’s like going in reverse. You stop moving but the world keeps going, which is like going backwards.
Just do SOMEthing. It doesn’t have to be the right thing or the best thing. Just do SOMEthing. Don’t DO nothing.”
My Father is a wise man. He’s right.
I’ve touched on my career situation before, but it’s not a topic I like to discuss. Truth be told, it’s a chief source of sadness, shame, fear and disappointment.
It’s more fun to think about butterflies and sunshine. And food. But where has that gotten me?
I never imagined I’d wind up with anything less than a rewarding and successful career. The future was alive with possibilities. I felt I had SO MUCH to offer the world. I was full of ideas, passion and energy.
I’ve had amazing jobs and learned a lot. Downsizing happens. Tough job markets happen. They did. I got stuck in a stand-still.
My stagnation has led to degeneration. As the saying goes, use it or lose it. My motivation muscle has deteriorated. I’ve forgotten how to dream and achieve.
What happened to that girl?
I’m going in reverse, like my father said. I’m losing myself, disappearing. The longer I “do nothing” the worse it will get.
I’ve got to DO something.
I wasn’t lying when I said my plan was “a secret.”
I have faith. GOD knows my plan and the universe is prepared to let it unfold. I just have no idea what it is. It’s a secret.
God needs us to be team players (co-authors). I just need to get a ball rolling and I CAN get back in the game.
After all…once a rock star, always a rock star.
- What are your feelings about your career?
- Have you ever had to “start over and get back in the game” before? I think there are many areas in life where we could stagnate (relationships, health…etc).
you are a rock star!
and I know you can get that girl back. She’s still there, just a little hidden, but not lost.
My “career” is a crazy zigzag choreographed by a tendency to run away (to “escape” my eating disorder). I have apprenticed with a symphony, done marketing for a dance company, worked at Habitat for Humanity, been a boarding-school res advisor, worked at a home for abused children (in the caribbean), and done grant-writing for a music venue…and I just turned 25. Now I’m in business school and applying to a communications job in Rwanda.
I have a very …diverse… resume.
I agree with your dad. Doing nothing gets you nowhere, and not only that, but it leaves you in a more vulnerable psychological state and allows you to wallow in the disorder with fewer distractions. No matter what you’re doing, throw yourself all the way into it and SOMETHING will happen.
Melissa,
I so relate to this post. When you said your plan was a secret, I had to sort of chuckle, because I remember a similar conversation a number of years ago with my dad also, and I said it was a secret. I didn’t exactly have a clue though.
I understand immensely the feeling of feeling “stuck,” lost, ashamed, disappointing, not good enough, etc. The career question has been a big thorn in my life for like almost 10 years! It’s hard when you are at our age, because there is a sense that life is slipping by, and everyone else is growing up, becoming successful around you.
A number of years ago, I read books on the Quarterlife Crisis and Beyond the Quarterlife Crisis (good books by Alexandra Robbins), What color is your Parachute, Po Bronson’s book, went to therapy, took career tests, wrote blog posts, etc., but still, I never lasted long at feeling very inspired.
Staying where you are IS comfortable. When I say that, it is more or less out of a fear of failing. It is hard to take risks. And even when you do take risks, they don’t always work out either.
Some things to consider: can you do a pro/con list? Can you describe what you want/don’t want, what you like/don’t like? Have you ever taken a career test or anything similar? Seeing a professional might be helpful for you to suss out these details.
The other thing I want to say here is that your self-esteem and mind play a big role here. Neither are always healthy to get, but they are part of the process just like your body.
Lastly, I did want to mention that one of my therapists used to always tell me is that by doing nothing or not making a decision, you are making a decision. It may not feel that way per se, but in essence it is.
Sorry, this was an epic reply.
This is so true and exactly the point. I am DOING nothing.
By the way if you see this….where is your blog??
Missy, my blog is where it has always been.
Oh you mean, that post. I’ll find it and send to you.
I’ve had to start over quite a few times. I dropped out of school due to illness at 17 and went back the next year. I dropped out of university no less than four times, always due to my mental health. Every time I got up, brushed myself off and thought “next time things will be different”. Every time things turned out the same way. Until two years ago anyway. This time things are going better than they ever have, and I’m hoping it’ll stick.
It’s hard to start over, but not impossible. I know you can do it
aawww, Missy. I know we’re in different places in our lives as far as careers go right now, but I can really relate to how you feel. I spend so much time feeling like I’m wandering through life aimlessly. Like the dream of being a child psychologist I have is SO out of reach. It feels like it’s just an idea far off in the future but it does not feel like it could actually happen.
I took 2 quarters off a school last year, a lighter load over the spring, and now am taking summer off too…I feel SO behind. I know I’m not really, but it just feels that way…sometimes like it’s not even worth doing because I don’t know how long school will take me.
We both need to remember that it is never too late…for anything! You can get your career figured out and going at any time you’d like…just like I can graduate college at anytime I like. Society tends to tell us there are ages at which we should have certain things done…but that’s SO not true. You can make a job switch anytime you’d like, go back to school, decide not to work at all…there are no rules!
Take your time and figure this out. If you find something that you’re truly passionate about it will work out. You can do SOMEthing and you can also so ANYthing!
xxx
Over the last few months I’ve been making some fairly major changes to my life, including getting another job. I really wanted one in this particular field, but as I was only half-trained, I didn’t think I stood a chance of getting one. Then one day when the time was right – certain things had fallen into place – I applied for and got the job for which I’d been looking. Yes, it was scary at times, but I just had to trust God totally that He knew what He was doing. He did, of course, and arranged everything at the right time.
Good for you! LOve that story.
Aww, baby girl, you ARE a rock star and don’t you forget it. Thinking about the future is hard, especially when you’re dealing with an ED. Trying to mange recovery is a full time job on it’s own, and usually doesn’t leave much energy to pursue other things… plus, the physical consequences of an ED don’t make living life all that easy. When I was at my sickest, my life was basically put on hold and I wasn’t able to do anything. I couldn’t go to school. I couldn’t work. I couldn’t live on my own. It was a nightmare. It wasn’t until I got healthier that my spark returned, and that motivation to go out there and conquer the world finally reignited. The only frustrating thing is that now I’m basically at square one and trying to relearn how to live normally. Frustrating, but doable. Don’t ever lose hope <3
I agree with your Pops. Do SOMEthing.
When I think “career” though; I liken this to what brings your heart and spirit contentment? If you do not do what truly brings you bliss then what is it that you are doing what you are doing, and why?
It is okay to deviate from the path that one believes they “should” be on. In fact, I am a big believer that we must create the path that we truly want for ourselves.
When you factor in that there are pressures from society, to family, friends, ourselves, our disorders; it can make “taking that big leap” even that much more frightening or concerning.
I think you Missy have such a gift in your ability to tell a story. So much so, that I know more than a number of times, I have mentioned that I think if you authored a book(s) that would be splendid. And you indicated in response that this has been a dream of yours. So why not make the dreams you have as real as they are when you are caught up in the midst of that dreaming?
What I am learning more and more is there is no straight line. How dreadful a thought that actually is. Instead there are twists, turns, breaks, back ups, do overs, and a whole slew of other routes we can and get to take.
I hope that you can find a place to start at and get yourself going in a direction that brings you that SOMEthing that you absolutely find joy with. I believe it’s all about the building of it, and that simply means taking that first step. The rest of the steps will continue to add up.
Be good to you!
Thanks N!
Please disregard my ill grammar. You know how sometimes you get caught up trying to write out what your feelings or thoughts are and you find yourself tripping all over the place. Yeah – epic trip!
Just keep at it Missy. It is okay if it is not all “mapped” out, you know?
your dad is a wise man and he has passed that along to you. Just keep moving, yes, and God will guide your path!
I’m in a similar place. At least, I was, and then found out I’m pregnant, so career choices are even lower for me now. And I want to be a stay-at-home mom and unschooler for my kid(s), which again ousts any chance of having a career. And while I know being there as a mom is REALLY important, the cultural equating of success with career puts pressure on me to start making some real money, dammit. BUT . . . I know that what the culture values is not always what God values, and I’m resting on Him, and trying to muster up my own motivation (also sadly out of use, like you) to make some money from making art and writing, which I love.
Thanks for being some open about such a vulnerable area for you! I can’t wait to see what’s around the corner . . .
That does seem like a conundrum. I have a feeling all the unsettled feelings will sort themselves out the moment you look in your babie’s eyes…and you certainly have the talent at art and writing and much wisdom and beauty to share so I see great things around the corner.
Hey Missy
My “career” is really at the forefront of my thoughts at the moment, so I could relate very much to this post. I have less than 2 months left in my current job, and then what?? I have applied for a few jobs, but really lack confidence that I can make things work out in a new job, with new people, moving house, more responsibility… I’m totally frozen and stuck, just as you describe and I don’t know what to do. I’m hoping it will all go away, which of course will not happen. I need to take some action, but I’m so scared of messing up again. Sorry this isn’t a very ‘positive’ or inspiring comment, but I can relate so much to this particular struggle.
One really helpful thing that a very wise person told me (about 6 years ago, and I still remember it!) is that “our lives all move to the beat of a different drum”. We don’t all have to follow the same progression at the same pace. Everyone’s lives take different turns and there are many different ways to live a fulfilling life.
Lots of love, x x x
Just do something….doesn’t have to be the right thing…but momentum leads to things. A sense of accomplishing anything builds confidence.
I’m interested.. What did you major in while in college?!
Duel degrees in Advertising and English and a minor in business.
I just changed my major to community health so I’m hoping I’ll be able to do fairly well with it and graduate and go into some sort of job or grad school. We shall see though. This is a great post, I love how open and honest you always are Missy!
OMG! You totally read my mind with this post. I often feel a sense of shame at my career situation or lack thereof. I love it how your dad says just do something. Anything. Who knows where it could lead. But what to do right? I feel stuck, frozen and hopeless when it comes to this topic as well. Nice to know that I’m not alone but sorry that you are feeling this way ’cause it sucks.
So, I got a PhD. I had a career. It’s gone now, *and* the job I *meant* to have doesn’t exist anymore. So now I’m over-educated and under-employable. Like you, I never imagined I’d be anything less than successful by my mid-30s, and here I am… starting over. Without a clue. And too tired from years of compounded burn-out to put effort into figuring it all out.
I like to quote the film “Amelie”, when her neighbour asks her what she’s doing about the boy she likes and she says (in the third person), “elle est entrain de reflechir un strategem”—”she’s working on developing a plan”. The double verb there—so, not “developing a plan” but “WORKING on developing”—gives me that little flexibility I need not to have heart-palps and panic attacks about being 34 and possibly destined for work offering people fries with that.
I’d like to have a new 5-year-plan by the end of my stay in Brazil in September, but I’m just focusing on getting healthy again instead. Like you, but different.
I won’t freak out if you don’t!
I agree that you should do something. However, I think you do have an idea of what you want to do – you mention you would love to write books for children. Of course, no one starts out doing that. But perhaps you could aim your career toward children with the goal of getting to know more about them, and then writing on the sideline. You have such a knack for storytelling and a young-at-heart attitude, I could see you working with kids. Or perhaps there’s something else deep in your heart. Now that you are think about this, I think you will move forward. You have too much to give.
My whole has been a series of changes. I started out by getting my first bachelor’s in Psychology and then worked as a social worker for years. I then went back to school and earned my second bachelor’s in English/Imaginative Writing and worked for about 11 years as a journalist. In August 2009, the paper offered a buyout and I took it and started at graduate school. It will take me three years – I have one year left; I graduate with my master’s in English Composition and Communication in May 2012. I hope to work for a non-profit as an advocate using my writing and social work skills. And I am 46 (as of yesterday, ha ha!) so I know if I can make changes, anyone can.
Go with your heart. Go with what feels good. You will find your way, and know that as you grow older, you may change and move on to another type of work. You are never too old to learn and grow and change.
I love my typos (I have a birthday sugar-induced headache right now.) I meant “now that you are thinking about this” and “My whole life has been a series of changes.”
P.S. Not that I think 46 is old. Just sayin’
46 is the new 26
i’m 47 and am clueless about career. i have a job i don’t like, but i stay.
yet, i’m daydreaming, thinking, praying — writing out dream jobs, thinking about things i like to do, etc. i have faith.
of course, you have so many opportunities and can and will do many things you love.
it seems it would be good to take on your food/weight issues first and then move forward. we all need health and strength.
take excellent care of yourself and the good things will come in their time.
I need to start doing the daydreaming thing like you!
Good for you Missy
I struggle with this a lot too, trying SO hard to make the right decision, and freezing up and doing nothing. Your dad is right, doing something, even if it isn’t the right thing in the long run, is a good thing. We can’t learn if we don’t make mistakes right?
Hope you are having a wonderful 4th!
Scott
I’ve come to the same realization recently with something I’ve been trying to acheive – I’ve failed at a few times so I gave up. But then I realized I worked so hard to get to the point I am now, it would be such a waste to throw it all away. Doing something and failing is better then doing nothing at all.
Your father was a very wise man! And you by all means still are a rock star!!!
Hey! I found your sites through some other bloggers.. There this book called “What should I do with my life” It’s a pretty cool book about our calling in life and such. Don’t give up and keep your head up
Spam?????
Aren’t dad’s great?
Totally identify with your sadness, shame and disappointments. Like you, I had Big Plans. I was going to Go Far! But then instead of Going Far I Burnt Out. (Not part of the plan). Healthwise – now, I can’t do a ‘normal’ job and at times it’s made me feel really depressed and despairing. But out of this has come other opportunities, things I couldn’t even have imagined.
Your blog is a ministry in itself and the Lord can and will redeem even the years that you feel are wasted. Praying for you!
[...] father always said, “It never hurts to ask. The worse that can happen is they say No.” My daddy is a wise man. I have NO shame asking for what I [...]
[...] he’s right. My father, is a wise man. Let me [...]
So what happened did you go? did you go see what your destiny was? what did your future hold for you?
Unfortunately…..I was planning to work on that tomorrow.
LOL. Sigh.
But yeah — I am finally ready to admit I want to pursue teaching no matter what and I’m ready to start looking into where to start. I also have done some things regarding recovery that – well I didn’t know if they will help but I decided to just DO something and follow a Drs advice.