A girl must do what must be done.
Particularly when one is about to become undone.
Like power up on caterpillar crack.
You know where I am going with this
(–>if not read here now and thank me later <–).
and Nectar of the Gods…
Who says money can’t buy you love?
Go Go Gadget Arm! (Seriously, how weird is this picture?)
Speaking of powerful arms,
I’m flipping out!
Weight Gain = Strength Gain
I used to be quite the yogini until 2003 when my body ate all my muscles. I could barely walk let alone do Ashtanga Yoga. Since then I have great difficulty getting back on the mat.
It’s emotionally taxing for me to “inhabit” my body so completely. Now that I’ve gained so much weight, I’m hoping that facing these fears on the mat will help me deal with them in everyday life.
Speaking of ups and downs* there’s this:
*weight, flips, handstands, downdog…etc.
Weight Gain in my Bootie = Weight Gain in my Wallet
(wha…??)
My dad left me some cash and instructed me to “get some decent clothes” (which my mind interprets as “fat clothes”).
I am FreAKiNG ThE FuNK ouT!!!
I’m becoming undone.
My parents have been begging to take me shopping for a while because I complain that none of my clothes fit. I have been quite successful in avoiding it thus far.
Dressing this bigger body of mine, like yoga, is equally emotional (by emotional I mean excruciatingly scary).
PS: You might be a crazy girl if a free shopping spree inspires panic.
But a girl must do what must be done.
Particularly when she’s come undone
- Got any fashion tips for me? I’m on a Target/Old Navy/Gap Outlet kind of budget.
- What are your “power through” foods.
Maybe he just wants you to get a shirt that doesn’t show your bra?
Buahahahamamahahaha
That just made my DAY. Thanks so much!
Literally laughing out loud…not LOL…like for real.
BAHAHA go gadget arm- you seriously crack me up!!
AHHH omg shopping spree?!!? DA BEST- Forever 21 is the bestest and really inexpensive too
…
YAYA congratts on your handstand!
I second forever 21!! I love that store! And target is my secret addiction, I could live in there
Last time I went to Forever 21 I was many many lbs ago and I think I wore a size Xtra Large there…despite having size zeros fall off in regular stores. Isn’t there stuff WAY tiny?
Forever 21? Isn’t that where they sall clothes for women who are forever 12?
SO TEENSY there clothes. I’d be too scared to go in.
PS- Bestest is the bestest word.
Honestly, you are probably far too small for their clothes as they sell clothes for normal-sized young women and adolescents. You are still far too emaciated to be “too large” for ANY THING in that store.
i am SO proud of you. i love to see your strength. praying for you, sweetest girl. love you HUGE. you are SUCH an inspiration.
Wow. Thanks so much for your prayers I need them Huge.
I LOVE SHOPPING! Hahaha well you probably already knew that, but Target is definitely a good place to go to get cheap but cute stuff. I heard they’ll be having more designer stuff there this summer, they collaborate with a high-end designer but all the stuff is really cheap, like normal Target prices yet it looks expensive! So definitely make a Target run or two.
Target run or two, or three. Or four.
Or maybe American Eagle? That’s one of my favorite stores, their stuff isn’t too expensive and they have a size 00 too, which is great for me because a lot of their stuff runs big and I have to go down a size.
There’s a though!
I wish I have wonderful fasion tips that I can share with you! Frankly, I’m not exactly up to the par with the fashion world. Ah well!
I know you can do this; think about it in this way….YOU ARE GETTING NEW CLOTHES…RETAIL THERAPY…EXCITEMENT…HAPPINESS! Try to associate positive feelings or thoughts with the shopping experience. It won’t be a magical overnight remedy that cures all of your anxiety or bad feeling about getting clothes in different size.
But associating with fun, positive emotions with buying healthier size clothes has helped me in the past and continues to do so. I hope it will help you too!
I’ll try.
Retail therapy….huh. Maybe I shoudl get a therapist to go with me.
Definitely bring a supportive friend, at least. When I had to buy my first pair of bigger pants, I brought a friend along who could listen to me vent about the size of my arse and who could also reassure me that this was still a small size, relatively speaking. Having a voice of sanity is helpful on the first few shopping trips.
As for where…are there any outlets near you? Maybe a nice Gap or Banana Republic outlet could outfit you well for work and play.
I wish I were there with you and we could shop for new clothes together! That’s where a big chunk of my tax return is headed, actually.
Sigh. One hour was certainly enough time for me to be sure I adore you and so please come back to Florida and move in with me and help me be a better person and you can visit your family in the summer and they can come to Florida in the winter and …and…
sigh.
Where are you going shopping?
Ok, can I just be completely random here and say I LOVE that tabby cat poster/artwork in your first picture? Um, I want it!
It’s an anti-smoking poster, actually. A relic from the early 80s.
If my parents would let me you could have it. Sadly they are nostalgic.
I’ll be keeping you and your clothes shopping in my thoughts. I went last time in December and it wasn’t as easy as I would have hoped. But I ended up with clothes that fit and I felt good in.
Three cheers for more strength and better yoga practices! I used to be quite the weight lifter back in the day and I long for the days I’ll be strong enough to get back into it as much as I was. I hope you will learn to feel happy and confident in your body – because you are beautiful! Don’t ever forget that!
Take care of yourself.
i just bought some new jeans in bigger sizes. not as much fun as i hope it will be one day, but i did it.
and now, i can cover my bottom half AND breathe at the same time, so that can’t be all bad.
i joke, but it was kind of difficult not slithering into the old sizes. yet, the sky didn’t fall, the earth didn’t move and not one person who knows me liked me any less, not at all.
what i did that helped me was when i got home (it was a beautiful day), i put on a pretty sundress, mascara and lip gloss and went to visit a friend i love. we laughed and chatted and went for a lovely walk.
very therapeutic!
I’m so happy for you to be able to get back into a yoga practice! I know it’s been an incredible addition to my life the past month or so. I think you have the right idea with Target, Old Navy and the Gap – great prices, cute clothes. Just have a mantra of some sort when you are trying on the clothes. I am strong. I am strong. I am strong.
And now I’m craving a Trilogy GTs Kombucha!
Mantra.
Thank you.
I was saying you mantra this morning. You and Lindsay inspire me so much.
I would highly recommend getting rid of your tiny clothes like so – http://giantfossilizedarmadillo.com/2009/05/23/post-100-in-which-the-anorexic-jeans-meet-their-doom/
two years ago that was, and I still remember the rather euphoric feeling of rebellion! I wanted to dance around that fire cackling like an evil genius. Mwahahahaaa!
Very therapeutic
Ahem. Yes. Finding new clothes can be a bit traumatic, but it’s just the illness telling you that bigger size = bad. Gaining weight is scary at the time, but years down the line when you look back at this you will be SO proud of yourself for sticking with it, and so grateful that you didn’t give into those anxieties. Bigger jeans is a tiny price to pay for getting your life back. You know how when you’re losing weight, every new low becomes the new upper limit that you’re not allowed to cross ever again on pain of anorexic torture? It works in reverse too, albeit more slowly. The longer you stick with gaining, and especially once you reach a healthy weight to maintain at, the more desensitised you become to being healthy. It is only scary in the beginning. It gets a lot easier than this, I promise
OF COURSE i remember that post.
I really want to thank you for writing what you did. It gives me hope. You seem to get what I am going through (I know you have been here). It’s not really about the size of the clothes, it’s the size of my skin and the feel of it against clothes.
So frustrating and I hope it goes away.
Your getting curves, this is awesome! I think Banana Republic clothes fit best. Have fun and keep thinking positive. Trilogy goddess!!
I had a kombucha today too – and I was so happy because I discovered my new favorite flavor – strawberry serenity — have you tried it?!
And that was so nice of your dad to leave you money to go shopping! Girl, by no means does it mean you are “fat” — you are super tiny and getting healthier
– you’re a rockstar! I wish I could come shopping with you – that is my expertise 
They don’ty have Strawberry in Florida (yet).
One of the many trade-offs of living by the beach.
We also have no TJS.
I wish I could bring so many of my blog friendlys shopping with me.
Oh my goodnes, maybe I will by way of camera!
I love forever 21 end of the story.
Um Kombucha and I did not get along that much but I had “Gingerade.” I think I’ll try something more exciting like synergy next time.
I actually don’t like the gingerade either.
Give it another go, Girl.
Enjoy the new clothes … no fashion advice here, except go for comfortable and what makes you feel pretty!
Power foods – my go to snack at the moment is dried apricots and almonds. Yummo!
I’d sooooooo love to be your personal shopper. So so so badly. Go to Gap gal, and get some classy tops and smart pants. The ones that make you feel superb – because you are! Prettier day by day, really.
Hugs lil’ sis!
Maybe my Dad will finance an all expense shopping spree in Paris, and you could help me.
(I bet we’d have to work hard to stay focused because we’d be chatting non-stop.)
No advice as for where to shop because my favorite way to shop is online (seems odd because it isn’t like I can try the clothes on first, but it works for me).
Your blog tags cracked me up. That “don’t hate me because I am a spoiled brat” and “Fatty Boombalatty Thanks Daddy” highlight your fantastic sense of humor. Thanks for the smiles and laugh.
I hope you find some new threads to add to your wardrobe.
Missy- you know I went through this too. It SUCKS!!
But, buying new clothes really IS fun. So, enjoy yourself.
Think dresses, skirts, and clothes that make you happy.
<3
Yasi
triumphantyasi.blogspot.com
I hear you. I am not one to give shopping advice, but you can’t go wrong with those classics. And skirts. With elastic waists.
I didn’t actually go shopping for more clothes until I was back to a completely healthy weight. So, if you aren’t yet I don’t know that I would bother…I only say that because you still very small Missy, but I don’t know if you’re at a healthy weight yet so I could be mistaken.
But I do know that when I was finally able to fill out all of the cute clothes I tried on, I wanted to get them all!! I was in heaven! After going so long, trying on things only to find that they hung off of me and looked like i was 12, then to go and see that I looked like a sexy WOMAN again?! Trust me, that moment is not going to be anything but awesome! So you’ll know when you’ve gotten to that point!
I would echo this statement… IT’s certainly worth being comfortable in the interim, but if you aren’t at a suitably healthy weight yet I wouldn’t go all-out in terms of clothes shopping. That being said I’ve never had issues with Forever 21s sizing, but I had some with the sizing at H&M (I was kind of devastated when I once bought something in a size 6 there, until I realized the mannequins were also a size 6? Kind of odd).
congratulations on the weight gain and the continued push towards health <3 your'e wonderful, Missy, don't ever forget it.
Yes, H&M sizing runs /really/ small. I have to buy several sizes larger there than stores like Gap or Target.
I went through this when I had to buy a new dress for a wedding. I weigh about 20 pounds more than I did last year, and I didn’t have a clue to what my size would be because I have been living in leggings and clothes left from the last time I weight restored. This shouldn’t matter, but I was pleasantly surprised my size wasn’t as large as what I originally pulled off the rack…which shows me that I still have recovery work to do.
I am planning on going tomorrow to shop at Kohl’s (I’ve had a gift card for years, waiting for the big moment when I reached my goal weight – which I finally did in January.) I can understand your nervousness. I try to tell myself that sizes are just numbers stuck on the clothes and don’t mean anything, and the proof is that I can wear different sizes in jeans depending on the brand (For example, at Maurice’s I have to go a size smaller than my beloved Levis.)
I also like my clothes a little loose…It seems like I have met a lot of people with eating disorders who feel the same way.
Anyway, sorry for writing a book.
Have fun and enjoy. You’re lucky you live in Florida; you don’t have to worry about winter and summer clothes. I’m thinking of moving down there after I finish graduate school…maybe you could give me an idea what it is like to live there?
Come visit and see for yourself!!!
I’m more nervous about just undressing and dressing more than twice a day (which is about all I can manage) I am having trouble enough just taking a shower.
Size, schmize.
Go visit Forever21! They have sooooo many cute clothes! I actually even bought my wedding dress there! (well, we had a simple beach wedding!)
Hugs & Prayers
Daelyn
YAY for the weight gain! So proud of you doing some yoga and showing off your strength!
Strength is amazing
I know the shopping will go great
enjoy it!
Scott
Yay – go Caterpillar!!
These things are HARD, but this is such a positive post and I am so pleased for you and proud of you that you are facing fears and pushing through so much emotional discomfort. I’m cheering you on and I really hope that the reality is not as painful as the fear of doing these things.
Oh, and I LOVE the photos, and the handstand – so impressed!! Keep getting stronger, it’s a wonderful thing
.
Lots of love, x x x
You so silly!
I am still needing to try the Pickel and peanutbutter combo!!!!
But I have been doing a low carb diet the past week.. I wonder if they make a sugar free P.butter??
Of course, I wrote about it in my post.
I never eat sugar.
Just grind your own or go to whole foods or Publix or get the Maranatha brand.
Yay for you! I personally like Old Navy bc there stuff runs big so I can wear 1 to 2 sizes smaller than anywhere else. My body is the same size, but when the tag says a smaller size, it makes my brain not freak out quite as badly. Love and prayers to you as you work on NOT coming undone!
thrift stores! do it!
Aw, man! I used to be thrift store QUEEN…how did I forget?
I am in awe of your ability to stand on your hands! Anytime I try that, I end up in a heap! SOB, I was the only person SOB in my ballet/modern dance clas SOB who couldn’t do a cartwheel or the splits SOB!!!!
I don’t know many American stores, but I’ve seen some really really pretty Forever 21 items on people’s blogs and it seems a nice shop! And I have also seen amazing American thrifting purchases on people’s blogs which make me second what Laura Daisychain said!
F21, Alley Kat (do you have that there??), Macy’s, Target, Gap, Wet Seal, Marshalls, Kohls, Ross…
Check some of those out : ). Also, I love Plato’s Closet, although I’m not sure if they are located in Fl. They’re a thrift shop but there stuff is always really good quality…like nearly brand new and SO much cheaper!
Hope you found some cute stuff!
xxx
Seconding the thrift store suggestion! Poor organization plus ignoring tags equals less freaking out about sizes. If you don’t want to know, you don’t HAVE to know, and you can cut the tags out without EVER looking.
Keep fighting the good fight.
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