When the police officer asked “Are you alone?”
I knew for sure. Greg was dead.
I told the officer I needed to get in the car and drive to my brother and sister-in-law’s house. Thank God I live 5 minutes away.
I hung up the phone acutely aware of being the only one to know. Every other person in my family was going about their lives, as I had been doing moments before. The weight of this knowledge was suffocating.
I was taking HUGE breaths, like knee-jerk pranayama. I distinctly recall thinking in the car
“This is it. Life is never going to be the same.”
The most intense days of my life followed. Reality became hyper exposed; raw reality. The “real-ness” of everything was surreal.
Watching my parents suffer was the hardest to bear. It’s been over a year and things haven’t gotten easier.
It was during these days I developed a firm belief, that I still carry today.
It should have been me.
It should have been me.
It should have been me.
I will say it over and over and I ask others to be brave enough to not refute this truth.
It should have been me.
I recognize it sounds pathetic and pitiful, but it’s actually a sound, rational conclusion. God doesn’t even argue with me.
My brother had everything going for him, he was a father to a one-year old son. He had just completed graduate school and was working to develop his own business, everyone loved him. He was 38.
I, at 32, have nothing. No children, no love life, and barely any social life. I own nothing and my “career” is nonexistent.
If my parents were to lose one of their children, it should have been me. I’m easy clean-up.
Yes, it’s easy for my parents or my grandfather to say the same thing. But it’s different. Of course they feel like it should have been them. Losing a sibling is different.
I feel like a leach – a drain on my family.
I feel like a waste of space.
This feeling of “taking up too much space” is a large component of my eating disorder. I explored this in therapy and my therapist encouraged me to
Take Up More Space!
Today my therapist lies in a hospital bed, taking up space and not much else. She is brain dead. Just three weeks ago we were laughing together. Now she is waiting to laugh with the angels. Perhaps she already is and only her body is hanging on.
In her honor, I ‘m wondering what I need to do to take up more space? To color myself in so I am not a vacuous waste of space.
How can I become comfortable with my mass, the fact that I have matter, the fact that maybe
I MATTER?
I send these questions up to Heaven like the messages we tied to these balloons. Messages and questions for Greg.
**Update***
Three hours after writing this I got news that Marianne’s family had finally decided to take her home with Hospice and remove the ventilator.
Goodbye Marianne. You took up space in my heart and I will never forget you.
- Please refrain from leaving me comments I hear all the time “You shouldn’t feel that way….etc.” I’ll never relinquish my belief.
- Sorry to be Missy McSaddsterpants, but I had to get this out before I got distracted by something sparkly.
Oh my goodness. Hugs for you and prayers for your therapist. Wow.
I totally identify with the “it should have been me” thing. Actually, I know that a number of us ED/food issues gals feel similarly. Wondering like God doesn’t kills us with cancer in our twenties or let us get hit by that car or shot in that driveway instead of the people who actually do, people who were living and loving to their fullest.
Yeah. I get that. But I also refuse to believe that you (or anyone) is a waste of space. We are working on it, whatever “it” happens to be. You are working on what God has given you to work on. That is something. That is HUGE.
*hugs* You’re not alone. But we will rise above this sentiment. God knows what He’s doing. Much love, sister.
Wow, Thank you, I like the idea of work-in-progress being significant.
Intense post Missy! But these are feelings that I’ve had before too, and the eating disorder only amplified it. Taking up more space, makes a lot of sense but for me I have this accompanying fear that I’m not wanted or needed or couldn’t contribute anything of worth even if I tried, so I don’t. I do know that there’s no way our lives are indignificant. You and I both are here for a reason and maybe we don’t yet know what that reason is, but we will oneday. Only God knows, so keep praying to Him that you find what you’re here for. It’s terrible that you lost your sibling, I can’t imagine how much pain I’d have losing my little brother. I’m deeply sorry for your loss.
Missy, first of all, you need a big hug!
*HUG*
I know it’s not same as in giving a big bear hug in person, but the hug is still a hug!
Your post made me tear up.
You are NOT a worthless space. Imagine how Greg would have felt if he heard you saying all this? I think he would have been heartbroken to hear this is how you feel. At the same time, I can’t invalidate how you feel, and you know what…emotions are messy!!!
I agree with Tori. Eating Disorders can really increase our feelings of failure, worthless, and all that icky miserable feelings. It is where you have to tell your ED to STFU and leave you to grieve in the way you need to.
Again, Missy, you are a beautiful, inspiring, amazing woman … and a fighter. To me, you are not a waste of space. No way, no buts, no ifs, and no hows.
*Hugs*
Thinking of you today and sending you some positive energy and karma.
My bro probably wants to come down and knock some sense into me….he actually wanted to do that when he was alive, too. Thanks for the reminder.
Girl you cant help the way you feel and dont feel bad for saying it and worry what others are going to say, this is a place you should not worry about what others think, its a place where you should feel free to right about what matters to you and help you get through tough times.
Sorry your your loss and I hope you realize how important your life is even if you don’t always see it that way.
Great post girl, it made me think alot.
I am glad you are getting this out. I do believe that one way to honor your therapist’s wishes on taking more space is to begin seeing another therapist. You would not only be honoring her, but also taking another step in healing and recovering. Hugs!
Denis, you always know the right thing to say. I need to get on that…I have plenty of resources.
Dearest Missy,
I can’t begin to imagine the depth of your grief and how much you miss Greg each and every day. I’m so sorry that you have to endure that. And I feel for you watching your therapist suffer too.
I hope though that you can really hear that you do matter. You, Missy matter just because of who you are. Not because of your career or the stuff you have or anything else. Just because you are Missy, a precious daughter of God. I hope you do keep being more comfortable with taking up space (not because you are vacuous, but because you deserve it!). I reckon some of that colouring should be done with a sparkly glitter pen!
xM
Definetely sparkly glitter pen….one that is also scented like Mr. Sketch Markers.
death is something that always stays with us. Even as we know that God is control and has his purpose. I am not leaving you a comment to say anything but I love you! And I will listen.
Hugs,
LC
I have to agree with Lindsay. My gut response was to say something that you aren’t asking for here in this post. My heart aches for you. I love you, sweet Missy! xo
Just leaving you some love.
I would rather say that you are allowed to feel the way you do, Missy. It’s not a question about “right” emotions and thoughts, you feel what you feel. That’s your reality, that is the feeling you have to work with as you walk through your day.
Death is not about who is more worthy of it, death takes young and old, rich and poor.
You didn’t die, Missy. Not yet. You are still alive and yes you take up space. How do you want to use that space? By being eaten up by anorexia?
What do you think your brother would have wanted you to do? Most definetely not walking around with the attitude – I’m not worthy of life, I’m just a waste of space.
You have so many opportunities to make the most out of the life you have, Missy. The life your brother lost. You can recover. Build up your mental and physical strength. You can be a good friend to yourself, to those around you and to the planet.
You ask what you need to make up more space. My answer to you would be : allow yourself to live. Not just breathing, but LIVING. Show gratitude for the life you have and the opportunities you have by being present here and now. By accepting and loving yourself and realize that your life is not over. You only get this life, Missy. Use it wisely.
Thinking of you.
<3
( and this comment was a huge mess! You activated my emotions, and that makes me write messy ;p Please excuse me. )
And this comment sounded much harsher than I meant it too.
I believe in you, Missy. I believe in your good heart and soul, and I believe in your ability to recover. Believe in it yourself as well, you are worth it.
Allow myself to LIVE/
Thank you. I suppose I am letting my hope fade.
Thanks so much Hedda.
Don’t do that. As long as you are alive there is hope.
Your brother is in your heart, remind yourself what he wanted for you – health, love, happiness, LIFE.
Fight Missy. Every day, fight.
Don’t take the life your brother lost so young for granted.
My dear Missy
I can’t even comprehend how immensely painful it must be to feel the way that you do. I just wish that I was able to comfort you in some meaningful way. I am so SO sorry for your family’s loss.
I really hope that you are able to find a skilled and compassionate therapist who is able to help you. I don’t mean to be inconsiderate and uncaring in the light of your current therapist being so gravely ill, but I am sure that she would not want you to be without support. I think you need it very much.
So much love, x x x
**Update***
Three hours after writing this I got news that Marianne’s family had finally decided to take her home with Hospice and remove the ventilator.
Goodbye Marianne. You took up space in my heart and I will never forget you.
Oh, Missy!
I have felt this way many times, thinking when someone died it should have been me because I don’t matter. It took a long time to realize I do matter. You would be greatly missed not only by your family, but by those of us who have come to know and cherish your fighting spirit, sense of adventure, and joyful nature.
I’ll just say this – You matter because you are a child of God.
I’m so sorry about Marianne.
{{{Hugs}}}
Angela
Just one more thing…
In Marianne’s honor, you can recover and LIVE. You deserve it. Please…I am already losing two people I care about to this disease, after almost dying of it myself last year. I don’t think I could stand…I can’t write it.
Just please. Please recover. You are too vital, too alive…I hope I am conveying what I am trying to.
Please fight and LIVE.
Angela
Thanks Angela, and also thanks for your kind words on my last post. People leave mean comments and it bothers me a little more than it should.
Missy, I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your brother and the now inevitable loss of your therapist. Sometimes it feels like the universe just won’t stop crapping on you, hm? I would never tell you to stifle those thoughts and feelings because I think they are an entirely natural part of grief. In a similar but different way I felt the same after I was raped. I wished they had killed me, and I became convinced that they SHOULD have killed me, because that way I would have been a blameless victim, whereas I felt that if I died from my anorexia or killed myself then it would be harder on my parents, and they would blame me or themselves. I also thought it was terribly unfair that they had done that and left me so damaged, and that killing me would have been the kindest thing. I don’t mean to make this comment all about me, I just wanted to let you know that I really relate to your feelings. I won’t tell you that I miraculously “got over” them myself because it took a long time before I started to feel grateful that I was still alive. People think and act in strange ways following shock, trauma or grief. Don’t put any pressure on yourself to be okay. I don’t mean give yourself an all access pass to self destruct obviously, but it’s perfectly fine to cry and scream and rage at the universe and wonder why. I will be thinking of you <3
Wow, Katie.
You can really relate. I feel like If I dies from this ED it will have been deserved somehow…but Greg was not self-destructing.
I am SO horrified by your experience. Rape is a tremendous trama and I am happy you have gotten a handle on dealing with it somewhat.
Just want to send you a big hug……….
Daelyn
Missy, if I could, I’d come and wrap you in a hug right now and let you release all the pent up hurt you are feeling. I am so sorry. I am praying for you. I think it took me SO many years to finally realize that YES, I DO MATTER. I matter to my Creator. And that’s the most beautiful thing of all.
I wish I knew what to say but I can’t find the words. I am so so sorry. Even though I don’t know you in real life I wish I could give you a hug.
This post is as real as it can get over the interweb.
All my love missy <3
((hugs)) You are often in my prayers.
girl. im sending you love right through the computer screen… can you feel that? thats a big ol’ hug
I’m speechless and so sorry
Wish hugs could travel over the computer. You’re in my thoughts and prayers, I know God is watching over you and will get you through this.
Big hugs! Seriously, I know you need them now and sometimes words won’t cut it. Just know that you have a supportive community behind you and we all want you to do ok.
Oh gosh Missy I hate that you and your family had to go through something so awful–I’m really at a loss of words. You are so fearless to share something this personal with us all, thank you for trusting us with that <3 Anyway, I totally can relate to your "not wanting to take up space". What's helped me is realizing how special I am and how much I DO MATTER! The happier I got, the more comfortable I was with "taking up space". The more confident I got with my ability to "deal with life" the more I space I could take up! It's all related!
Love you beautiful lady <3
xoxo
I suppose the happiness and confidence has to come first and it has to be totally independent of how comfortable I am in my own skin….hmmm…My head hurts just thinking about that, but it IS possible.
HUGS. Giant big bear HUGS.
Oh my goodness…I am so incredibly sorry in so many ways for so many things. You are here for a reason…for a purpose…to carry on your own legacy-you are an amazing person…stay strong and put a smile on your face- you can get through anything and everything, you are so much stronger thank you think, if you need a friend, feel free to email me love. Sending hugs your way.
Wow. What a post. My prayers to you and your threapist.
There’s a reason why God wants you here still. He has a purpose for your life – go read Jeremiah 29:11 over and over and over again until you believe it.
He has plans to give me hope and a future.
He has plans to give me hope and a future.
He has plans to give me hope and a future.
He has plans to give me hope and a future.
Missy,
I’m not sure what happened to your brother. But, I am so sorry that you have had to go through such a devastating thing.
I just wanted to tell you that even tough I don’t know you in real life, you matter to me. Which means that you matter to all of those people that are close to you.
You are AMAZING, strong, and deserve to take up lots and lots of space!!
Lots of love,
Yasi
Thinking about you with your therapist! I’m glad you can write this on what cannot be an easy day.
And, you are an amazing person who deserves the space you take up and all the space you move in, breathe in, speak in, laugh in, and on and on!
((hugs))
I’m sending you hugs and positive thoughts. I cant even imagine how excruciating this is for you, Missy. I love your thoughts though, the balloons. Your such a sensitive and caring person, and I am so proud of you for getting this out. You are entitled to your feelings, and no one can tell you what or how to feel.
More hugs for you.
<3
I don’t know how a person can figure out his or her purpose, but there is one. There always is one. No one is unimportant. No one is an accident. No one doesn’t matter. Some people never understand their purpose. I hope that you will understand yours. xo
I will not say anything except that I am sending you a big hug and you are in my prayers. I am so sorry for your loss.
I tried to think of something incredibly moving and profound to write here, but I’m not sure I could say anything that you haven’t already thought, felt, or heard. Instead, I am praying for you. Maybe that doesn’t sound like a lot to some people, but I know you know and value the power of prayer.
As for “coloring yourself in” I think that you have so much beautiful, wonderful, radiant color inside of you already. Maybe you aren’t able to see it. But it’s there.
<3
Feel what you feel, little sister. Write it out. Just like you are doing. Those who can bear the rawness of your emotions stay, the ones not able to will wander away, and that is life.
I’ve taken up more space gradually by realizing that if I speak my thoughts out when in the situation, I feel better afterwards and do not have to punish myself by loosing weight. I’ve also started creating art, blog posting and taking pictures of my beloved Paris even more intensively than before. These are signs that I exist and things that I am proud of. No matter what. I am proud of having created my fashion blog and the posts that I concoct every week.
Find your way to leave your print. Your blog actually already does that. Imbibe yourself into it even more. Make it your passion. Then ED will have less time and space. You write so well, your pictures are spirit-lifting. You have so much going for you. People who read you from the other side of the world. This is your accomplishment. You have beauty. You live in a place many would love to.
Really, sweet sister, take my hug. A big one, and go on, step by step. I believe in you.
Creation, action, passion. I like these ideas.
They all require nourishment.
Thanks Su- you are my French Idol. (0:
I just wanted to say that I love you and I’m sorry about everything that has happened to you. Your brother sounds like he was an awesome, awesome person. At least you have all of the memories with him
Ironically I had not read this when I emailed you this weekend (I’m not even sure if you posted it before or after) but you know I’m going to say you matter… If only to this side of the interweb!
hey girl. can i just say how much i love you? i am sending huge hugs your way.
will you do me a huge favor? please don’t let your sweet, sweet self believe anymore lies of the devil for ONE MORE DAY. God doesn’t make mistakes. He gives, and He takes away. He has a perfect plan for YOU. He also had one for your brother, that involved an early death. i know it’s terrible, and i am so, so sorry… but how awesome would it be to go home to see Jesus? God knew your brother would complete his work in 38 years, but apparently, there’s still more ahead for you because you still are alive!
you said you read Jer. 29:11… awesome! those plans God made for you? He made those for you at the beginnig of time! before the world was formed, He already loved you. He is so passionate about this life you’re living that He takes care to craft EACH interaction.
John 16: So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. 23In that day you will no longer ask me anything. I tell you the truth, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. 24Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete… 33“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
God loves you so much, He crafted YOUR life specifically to do wonders. He calls you to great things, missy. He believes in you. He already won the victory for you at the Cross! He’s given you His everything… will you trust Him? He promises we will have much, much suffering, but He also promises us grace, mercy, and PEACE. If we just give Him a tiny seed of trust, even though it hurts, even though we don’t understand… HE WILL BE WITH US ALWAYS.
Matt 28:18Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them ina the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”
please youtube “Beauty from Ashes” by Chrystal Lewis… it makes me cry. and my favorite? “Blessings” by Laura Story. please please please watch them! girl, you are so amazing… I am here for ANYTHING. if you need a shoulder to cry on or just someone to vent to… please email me and i will send you my phone number. day or night.. please call. you are worth space, girl. you are worth dying for! Christ gave you His all because that’s how much worth He thinks you have. hang on.
This post brought tears through my eyes :’(
I am so sorry for all that you have gone through, I truly feel for you <3 You are in my thoughts and prayers, and If I can do anything for you, please let me know.
You matter to me, and nothing will change that <3
Love ya girl, hang in there,
Scott
I cannot even imagine what you are going through right now; trite as it is, I am TRULY sorry for both of your losses. I won’t tell you about how you shouldn’t feel that way; I agree with hedda that your feelings shouldn’t be judged! It just makes you feel worse. However, I do think you deserve to feel better about yourself and I urge you to remember the many people who look forward to reading your blog, hearing your voice in YOUR corner of the blogosphere. By all means, take up that space. Fill it up with YOU. clearly something draws us all here… you’re witty, you’re real, and we all really care about you.
I also love what was said about really LIVING instead of surviving. I’m having some trouble with this recently too… So much of my energy goes into making it from day to day with a plethora of anxious thoughts zapping at my energy and I don’t always have time to just go out and be a little crazy.
Thanks for always making me think, and inspiring me with your powerful words. We are all here to support you!
<3
n
Last year, I was on the brink of potentially losing my brother because of his drug issues. I know how horrible it felt and so I can’t imagine what death actually feels like when it becomes reality. Of course, all of your readers are going to disagree that you are a waste of space or that it should have been you because we know that it shouldn’t have been EITHER of you. In a perfect world, you would BOTH be alive, happy, flourishing, healthy, whole. That’s how God designed the world and it’s fascinating to think what it would be like if we just lived happily and in peace and unity with him without ever dying–that was His intention. Though we don’t have that option anymore, I think it’s critical to keep in mind that He wanted that for us and that His heart breaks just as much as ours does. I imagine that He misses watching Greg interact with you, his son, and your family, and I KNOW that He feels each pang and deep cut of sorrow that you and your family and friends feel as you deal with this new reality. Likewise, He grieves with you and all who knew Marianne.
God, I know you fulfill all your promises, and I ask you to fulfill your promise that you made in John 14:8 to Missy today — “I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.” Remind her that these feelings are normal and help her to work through them, and remind her of how much You and others love her. Bring her a fresh sense of your peace, and calm the torrent in her heart, just for today. Then do it again tomorrow. We love you Lord. Amen.
and that would be 14:18…
Sarah thank you so much for your wise words (always) and your prayer. And for being an inspiration that recovery can happen.
Bless you lots Missy! Hugs aplenty! You are fab!
i know that feeling, i feel for you. it is hard and i hate when people come to my blog and say ‘i know how you feel’ so i wont say it, but i recognize the expression.
Live, love and let go. when you live, you have to love, when you love your have to feel, when you develop feelings you have to face the potential of letting go. think about your ED. you went through life and developed feelings for it, you fell in love with it, and if you think letting go of these individuals in your life was hard, then the best damned thing you can do to turn it all positive is to let GO of the love affair you have with your ED. does that makes sense? i hope, it should be your inspiration to bite the bullet with your ED
That does make sense. When Greg died I was like “well…that’s it. There’s no effing way I can not recover from a pathetic ED after this crap — life is way too short” and here I am…over a year later.
I am going to spend some time thinking about my “relationship” with my ED and it being a love affair. That’s mind-blowing. I never thought of it that way. Thanks so very much.
I can’t sit here and say that I know how you feel, because I fortunately have never had to go through the loss of a sibling or an immediate family member for that matter. I trly can’t imagine doing so…You are so admirable for allowing yourself to be vulnerable on the blog…I love that you are willing to put yourself out there like this and I pray that you find God’s comfort in the everyday grief that you still face. Love ya, girl!
xoxooxo. Thoughts and prayers with you alll the time.
When I browsed your facebook wall, I put the pieces together about the loss of your brother. I can only imagine how sad it was for you and your family. Losing anyone close is hard, and there are always the questions of “why.” Sometimes, that question will never be answered, and sometimes, we learn long after.
All I can say is that this is a long process of healing. It takes time not only to heal from the loss of both your brother and your therapist, but to heal from your ED as well. In the end, I know both of them are rooting for you and knowing that you can take up space in this world. And that by taking up space, there is no shame in it, because you are a beautiful person. And I’m sure they want other people to know that too.
Thank you so much.
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You are so infinitely precious, Missy, yes you. You are here still because you are MEANT to be and there IS a space in this world that belongs to you and you alone. There ARE Plans for a hope and a future for you, and have been since the beginning of time. I’m so sad and sorry for your pain. Sending gentle hugs, heartfelt prayers xxx
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