Stevie Smith is one of my favorite poets (right up there with Dr. Suess and Shel Silverstein). I love her unique voice, her deceptive simplicity and her illustrations.
For some reason, her poem Not Waving But Drowning has been twirling through my mind. Naturally, I read it again.
Nobody heard him, the dead man,
But still he lay moaning:
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he’s dead
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,
They said.Oh, no no no, it was too cold always
(Still the dead one lay moaning)
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.
This time around, something new occurred to me.
The man in the poem is dead. When he speaks, he speaks posthumously. Perhaps only in hindsight is he able to see how “far out” and “cold” he was.
Might he have enjoyed “larking” so much he never realized he was drowning? Not in denial – but completely unaware there is a problem.
Maybe he thought he was happy, but looking back he realizes how much peril he was in.
How much he was missing.
How sadly he was mistaken.
How badly he was struggling.
It’s fairly easy for me to smile and celebrate life despite the inner turmoil that haunts me. Not to say I’m always in a good mood. I can be a stinging Bee then suddenly…
“Ooh…a butterfly! Wheeee…! Sparkly!”
But what if I’m missing the bigger picture? Perhaps I am too “far out.”
What if, in the midst of this beautiful struggle, I am not waving….
but drowning?
Maybe I’m drowning and I just can’t see it?
- So…mmmkay….uh, do you like sparkles? Sorry to get so deep!
- Might there be an area in your life that’s pulling you down without you realizing? A job, a relationship, a relentless pursuit of money or perfection?
I feel you, and in alot of respects this is how many people with anorexia and related eating disorders are….in that, we are barely intouch with our emotions, or that we feel we MUST continually be happy, whether be it to please others, or because we feel we should. But maybe, in order to stop drowning, the trick is to get more intouch with our emotions and starting feeling a little bit more, because I think its okay not to always be happy, and to let others see that – to occasionally fall apart, you know? Your not drowing, your not (your not).
<3 x
Recovery is what happens when you’re busy staring at butterflies.
I flipping love sparkles! Lol. That’s such a good poem too. I a happy person most of the time but that can neglect things inside that are not ok. I don’t let them affect me most of the time but I think everyone is like that. If we let the less-than-perfect things get us down all the time we’d all be miserable. But of course we should try to improve what can be improved, or feel them – not ignore it completely….
Missy,
Sending you hugs.
I had an appointment with my therapist earlier today and she continues to stress how important it is for one to surrender in order to truly take care of the self. Meaning; that even if we think we can handle it, and maybe are managing it (or so it seems), allowing others to help us may offer us more strength or better yet; balance.
There ought be no apologies for expressing what your experiences are. I hope that you are able to share with those you trust in, the truths of your turmoil. It is just too much to carry that yourself Missy. I try to remind myself of this as I constantly think I have to do it alone.
When it does feel overwhelming (drowning), reach out and surrender what you are willing to. I believe the more we do this, the more we will be lifted by not just the support of others, but lifted by what we will than allow for ourselves. I do not know if I have made sense.
Nonetheless, I continue to admire your willingness to share and be so open. Give yourself some propers Missy!
With a smile,
-n
You know what, I think this applies to everybody. I have my own struggles that most people don’t know about. They think I’m waving when sometimes I’m drowning. I found out a friend attempted suicide, when I thought his life was peachy. I had no idea what was going on with him. I found a colleague is battling cancer, and the cancer is winning. I worked with her for a year and had no idea. I think it’s important to remember that the people around you may be drowning, and to keep in mind that you have no flipping idea what other people are really going through.
Yup. You got it.
Stevie Smith is an awesome poet.
Oh hey by the way, I just had to steal your sparkles line for my latest blog post
Yours for the taking.
I have to agree with Merf – this applies to everyone. There are so many layers and areas of someon else’s life that we may not ever know about. On the inside, that person might be drowning and never let in what is actually going through their head!
Hey Missy
Ooh yesssss…. sparklies
Today at work I spent the afternoon chattering away to people incessantly – I probably came across as unusually cheery but I was talking non-stop to keep unwanted thoughts out of my head and to stop yelps and whimpers of distress escaping from my mouth. So yep, ‘not waving’ but not ‘drowning’ either, just trying to stay afloat. I love that poem though, I think I’ve known it forever but I’m not sure I’ve ever read any of her other poems. Sorry, this comment is all about me :-s.
What was I trying to say? An ability to smile and celebrate life doesn’t negate the inner turmoil – just because you are suffering doesn’t mean the inner you isn’t there any more. Keep holding on to the happy, wonderful, beautiful things in life… I saw a calf being born today at work – it was amazing (sorry, talking about ME again…).
Take care, lots of love, x x x
I really relate to this too <3 the night before I was admitted to hospital for being suicidal three years ago I sat with a group of friend from university, eating chinese and giggling. It's crazy how many people are struggling and you would never know it.
In anorexia this is complex, because even if other people can "see" the problem, quite often the person with the ED does not. This is known as (trying to spell this right!) agnosognosia – the inability of the person with an illness to either believe that they are ill or in less extreme cases, to see the extent of their illness. It's common to pretty much all people with eating disorders. People can take themselves to the point of death and just not realise. I think I swung between not realising how serious things were, and not really caring, because recovery felt more terrifying than death to me at severe points when I was very ill. But things do look very different from the other side. Now I can both see how ill I was and really appreciate the fact that I forced my way through all of that anxiety to recover.
Deep post = deep comment
I hope that made sense and didn't just sound like I was talking out of my ass! It happens sometimes…
And yes, yes I DO like sparkles.
x
Oh my goodness, the typos! First of all there should have been an “s” on friends, and secondly I should have written several rather than severe. Excuse me, I am tired and drinking red wine – bad combination for typing!
I embrace typos.
Especially when they are red wine infused. In Vino Veritas, in typo veritas.
You kind of read my thoughts…made them coherent and added extra doses of eloquence and intelligence.
That’s what I meant when I was writing … one interpretation of the poem could be that he never “knew” …he thought he was having a grand old time.
I hear things that people say to me about my weight or eating habits and I simply just …. I can’t believe them. I want to … but it is like someone telling me the sky is green and clearly I can see it is not.
IM SENDING BUNDLES OF LOVE AND CUDDLES AND HUGS YOUR WAY!!!!!!!!xxxxxx
i think everyone has an area of life that is always pulling them down. Its almost like our comfort to have it. But when recognized, we can give that over to the lord, our lifesaver, our floation.
Need to work on that. (0:
Amen! Missy – I love your insightful writing, and ability to see things in different perspectives. I think you are courageous to put it out here for us to read! And I agree with Lindsay 100% – we all have something, and it’s our choice to let go, and let God.
Hi Missy
I want to be totally honest with you and you can delete this comment if you feel the need but I had to say it.
I’ve been following your blog for awhile (I too am recovering – actually recovered and maintaining from anorexia). And I am going to have to stop following because it is so triggering. The pictures you post of yourself cause me to cringe – I have to wonder how you are able to function. You are so scary thin. Sometimes the pictures you take make me wonder if you take them and post them because of how thin you appear, the poses you are in. And it is just so triggering when you talk about feeling fat, post foods that i know are all low calorie. I am not criticizing you – believe me, I was there. But I mentally cannot handle reading your blog. I just wanted you to know = it is your blog. You have the freedom to post what you want, I am not telling you to change the blog. But I wanted to warn you how potentially triggering it is.
I wish you the best in recovery. I really hope you bite the bullet and embrace recovery full force someday, otherwise you will be stuck where you are forever. Recovery is worth it, FULL 110% commitment everyday is worth it, I hope you get there some day.
I have a strict no delete comments policy (for now).
I am SO sorry that I may have disturbed you.
(The picture at the swimming pool was many lbs ago and to me it symbolizes a time I thought I was “waving” but looking back I may have been drowning without knowing it. I look better now.)
Man, that sucks. I hate the fact that I could be doing harm or damage.
Yours is the second comment I have received saying something similar and it just stinks.
Thanks for your well wishes!
I like sparkly things!
The first step to saving yourself from drowning is admitting that you are drowning. I’ve been struggling recently because I’ve simply been pretending I am okay all the time. But, when you stop and ask people, they know you are not okay. Not everyone understands the ins and outs or the emotional turmoil, but most understand that things are not perfect.
I think what I’m trying to say is that you are not alone. And you don’t have to drown. God will provide you with a life jacket, you might just have to search for it.
<3
Maybe sometimes the people on the shore are saying “She’s not waving. She’s drowning.”
I do love sparkles
I agree with Lindsay.. everyone has that one thing that they battle with I have learned to let go of my battles and give em to God !
I have such difficulty with that, as you may have read. I’m like “here you go, God!” and he’s like…”Okay. Let go, then.”
“But…here…take them!!”
Obviously I’m holding on.
Sparkles are my favorite
I think this is so true to recovery. Sometimes, I’m just going about my life, happy and carefree and almost forgetting that I’m trying to recover. It just comes easy. But then something comes along and it smacks me in the face and suddenly, I’m struggling and I finally realize that I was “too far out” to begin with. It’s times like these that I really turn towards God and allow Him to help me find my way!
We should thank God for those reminders, I guess.
Sparly is a color. That’s my motto
Sparkles and sprinkles are my favorite. Addiction much. Anything shiney too.
I agree though to the above comments-I think everyone has their own struggles they are drowning in.
Good thing you and I like to swim.
praying for you!
Thank God….literally. I need it.
I love that poem, too.
As for whether you are drowning and don’t know it — the swimmer in the poem KNEW she was drowning. I know how much ED messes with our minds, but I think (and this was true for me) that when it came down to the life or death wire, I knew whether I was safe or in danger. *hugs*
I kind of see what you saying here…. I used to have that inherent “this is not cool” and now I don’t.
I love sparkles !!! I am thinking about you, you can do it girl
This is something that I think everyone can relate too…keep your head up xoxo
This sounds alot like me, I am so easily amused and then all of a sudden one small thing can set me off, but then if I just see a cute baby or anything cheery I can be pulled out. Its strange, but emotions are emotions. I can realy relate, and I really like this poet, I’m a huge Dr. Seuess fan
That’s a great post, if not a bit sad. I am feeling a bit adrift with my job. I can relate to this.
That poem is very frequently “stuck in my head”… at least that one line not waving but drowning. I think a lot of tiems I feel bad breaking down in front of people, or letting on that I’m having a really rough go at the moment and that it’s often damn near impossible to get myself out of bed much less to do all the things I need to, and that my anxiety is just heightening all over again particularly in social settings. But people can’t always see that and I think a lot of it is that I don’t let them, but at the same time I don’t know how TO let them.
you can do it <3 thinking many good thoughts for you.
n
Missy, this is an amazing post. I identified with it on so many levels, especially the bravado to mask the pain. A lot of people say to me – but you are so happy!? You can’t have anything wrong. It is so difficult to let my guard down though.
That you have realised that you may be ‘drowning not waving’ is an amazing step to take. Please hold that thought and get as much help as you can. Thinking of you! xxx
sweet girl… first of all, i am sending you an enormous electronic hug. i wish you were in virginia so i could give you a real one!
can i just say… acknowledging you are drowning is a huge VICTORY!? you can’t be saved if you refuse to look your need in the eye. that is submission and obedience right there! don’t feel guilty about that… that’s human. we all are drowning. that’s why we need a Savior. we CAN’T do this on our own – not a single one of us. so anorexia, debt, depression, whatever… we are all hopelessly drowning without our savior.
the victory? we are SAINTS, saved by grace. we are MORE than conquerors! we have a hope in things already completed in Christ Jesus! we fight FROM victory, not for victory! Christ already won the battle for your soul, and the only thing the devil can do now is just convince you to keep wasting that victory of your life. are you gonna let him? (no, you are already a missionary over the web)
about that tough comment above… i don’t think admitting you are struggling/feeling fat/whatever is wrong, and if you are thin, you deserve to post pictures as much as the next person, but i think there is much wisdom in considering what other people will gather from posting low-cal vegan food, ya know? i was a vegan and did NOT have an eating disorder, so please don’t get me wrong, but i know first-hand how hard it is to get enough cals on a vegan diet, and it can often mask many disordered thoughts. i believe you are you, and you should NEVER be ashamed of that, but very much appreciate you being wise in pictures/food you post! you are so amazing, and i am so proud of this warrior you are becoming. what a gift you are to the blogging community!
What beautiful words. Thanks!
I have been feeling really sheepish on my knees lately.
I will take what you said about food into account.
I’m not vegan, by the way in case anyone cares (0:
well please never feel sheepish. you know what the Father sees when He looks at you? … His son. grace. sacrifice. mercy. His COMPLETED work. He doesn’t see all the loose bolts and whistles we worry about – He sees you in your heaven body. you, finished. you, at your best because it’s His best. approach His throne with boldness like Esther, sweet girl.
and i don’t care how you eat, you know what i mean. anyone can use their diet to be disordered (meat-eaters or not), and sometimes that can be misleading. i wasn’t at all trying to say that was the motives behind your choices, but when those struggling with their weight blog about their food, sometimes i worry. ok, i always worry.
love you HUGE HUGE HUGE.
-r
Thanks Rebekah…I’ve been thinking about this for a few days and it is very comforting.
Love this poem too. So often I put on the brave face and wonder whether anyone will notice that I am, in fact, drowning.
I’m sorry that you feel like you are drowning right now. I hope that you can call out to those around you and they’ll see thru the smiles and positive outlook and sit with you thru the messy emotions and hard times. Let your friends throw you the floaties
I need water wings.
great post its so true that people are all going through something and looking at them you may have no idea.
Missy, my dear. I’ve been there…and if you don’t know already, I’m a strict no bull-shit person. So if you just need a logical, yet understanding voice, please do email me. I have you in your prayers, that you will come to see yourself, and everything eyes, clearly in God’s eyes. You’re a precious, beloved person to live fully without any doubts that you are drowning.
(hugs)
I love your no BS style and I may have to take you up on that!~
Maybe the person is doing something else. Reaching outwards, showing a hand, making the move, acknowledging that they aren’t on their own and that they know God is there and are striving to reach him to continue walking with him. He never said it would be easy, our walk with him as I am aware you realise. Our life is a constant journey full of trials. It’s when you are striving towards him that the enemy decides that you are causing him issues and he’d better try and stop you somehow! I think that the caterpillar is a very beautiful creature and no matter how small the steps she takes towards HIM in heaven, and WITH him each day, there is a heavenly host applauding and delighting in your successes!
Bless you Missy, I love reading your blog!
Wow. Now that’s deep.
Thanks so much.
I love this poem! I think about it often and I loved hearing your interpretation of it. I’m so glad that you wrote this and that I was lucky enough to find it.