Not Waving But Drowning

Stevie Smith is one of my favorite poets (right up there with Dr. Suess and Shel Silverstein). I love her unique voice, her deceptive simplicity and her illustrations.

For some reason, her poem Not Waving But Drowning has been twirling through my mind. Naturally, I read it again.

Nobody heard him, the dead man,
But still he lay moaning:
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.

Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he’s dead
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,
They said.

Oh, no no no, it was too cold always
(Still the dead one lay moaning)
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.

I’ve found many meanings in this poem: the importance of perspective, the limits of human connectivity, the isolation of mental illness, the unheard cry for help, the bravado we wear to mask our pain…

This time around, something new occurred to me.

The man in the poem is dead. When he speaks, he speaks posthumously. Perhaps only in hindsight is he able to see how “far out” and “cold” he was.

Might he have enjoyed “larking” so much he never realized he was drowning? Not in denial – but completely unaware there is a problem.

Maybe he thought he was happy, but looking back he realizes how much peril he was in.

How much he was missing.

How sadly he was mistaken.

How badly he was struggling.

It’s fairly easy for me to smile and celebrate life despite the inner turmoil that haunts me. Not to say I’m always in a good mood. I can be a stinging Bee then suddenly…

“Ooh…a butterfly! Wheeee…! Sparkly!”

But what if I’m missing the bigger picture? Perhaps I am too “far out.”

What if, in the midst of this beautiful struggle, I am not waving….

but drowning?

Maybe I’m drowning and I just can’t see it?

• So…mmmkay….uh, do you like sparkles? Sorry to get so deep!
• Might there be an area in your life that’s pulling you down without you realizing? A job, a relationship, a relentless pursuit of money or perfection?

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Oodles of Shroomoodles (Vegan, Gluten Free)

When I was in college I ate a lot of ramen. (Who didn’t?)

 

As a vegetarian, I would toss the seasoning pack in favor of creating my own flavor. I would even use pasta sauce. My boyfriend and I consumed many ramen munchie creations while sobering up on the couch watching Simpson’s re-runs.

*(Are you reading this Nathan?)

With maturity came the realization that ramen noodles aren’t exactly healthy. I haven’t ate them in over a decade.

I don’t eat flour at all anymore, but I do enjoy zucchini and spaghetti squash “pasta” and now my new favorite “noodle”:

Enoki Mushrooms

I found enoki mushrooms at the Korean mart and swiftly helped myself. I LOVE trying new vegetables. I took out my books and got acquainted with my new friend before deciding what to do with them.

 

Enoki Mushrooms are low-calorie and high-fiber. They are great sources of niacin, potassium and B vitamins. A one cup serving has two grams of protein. Not bad!

Enoki mushrooms are very crisp and can be eaten raw like sprouts in salads or sandwiches. They make a wonderful garnish for soups and when sautéed they become a pasta/noodle substitute.

As soon as I heard soup and noodles I knew what had to be done.

The enoki mushroom has a spongy base that you need to trim before using.

Separate the “noodles” and rinse in cold water.

I sautéed the shrooms in sesame oil and gomasio and…

….Ta-to the-da, you get “Shroomodles.”

 

These are delicious as is (the nutty sesame oil is the perfect foil for these guys). I decided to throw them in some simple miso soup for the ultimate slurp experience.

All I did was boil water, garlic and scallions and added the miso and shroomoodles at the last minute.

*Never boil miso unless you want to destroy the super-amazing enzymes in it. Who’d want to do that?*

The noodles retain a bit of their crunch, like an al dente pasta. Yum.

SSSLLLLUUURRRRRP. Ahhhh.

It’s 89 degrees out, I’m off to get my swim on.

• What are you up to this weekend?
• Can you eat soup in warm weather?
• When was the last time you tried a new produce item?

 *EDITED TO ADD* In light of some comments I received, I feel obligated to add that this bowl of soup is not an adequate source of nutrition and is in no means my idea of a meal. I feel silly having to write this as it seems a bit defensive, but I love reader comments and I think a couple people may have misconstrued this post.

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“Meal Plan” – Day Old Bread

Nothing to see here. I’m posting my old “Daily Bread” page in order to consign it for posterity. My attitude and diet have changed since I wrote this and the page was getting stale.

(Its long and boring. I’d skip it if I were you)

My Diet

As in:

1 a : food and drink regularly provided or consumed b : habitual nourishment c : the kind and amount of food prescribed for a person or animal for a special reason

Not:

d : a regimen of eating and drinking sparingly so as to reduce one’s weight <going on a diet>

The  Short of It

• No Sugar (this includes ALL sugar, honey, brown rice syrup, agave nectar…etc).

• No Flour (if it has the word “flour” under the ingredients I don’t eat it. Brown rice flour, whole grain wheat flour…etc).

• Weigh and Measure all Food

• 3 meals, 2-3 snacks daily

• Mostly Vegetarian  (lacto-ovo-pescatarian)

• Cheese and eggs but no milk

• The least number of ingredients the better — even better if all of them are recognizable; if it has no label even better.

The Long of It

Two years ago I went to a treatment center for eating disorders,  Milestones in Recovery , where a dietician designed a food plan for me. I fought my way in as an outpatient, though they felt my situation required residential. I’m a stubborn little caterpillar.

The facility’s diet plan is based on Food Addicts Anonymous, which entails absolutely NO SUGAR and NO FLOUR. They don’t believe we need to eat cookies and cake in order to recover from an eating disorder. They believe it’s possible for someone recovering from ED to live the rest of their life without a pop-tart and be still be recovered. I agree.

Hearing this was a HUGE factor in my decision to go- Huge.

Rather than being served, you buy your own food and prepare your own meals — as long as they follow the dictates on your meal plan. It’s a fantastic idea, if you ask me. You learn about nourishing yourself/preparing food/recognizing proper portions and this is invaluable after you leave treatment.

So: No Sugar, No Flour, 3 Meals, 3 Snacks — Specific allotments of protein, veg, carbs, and fat. At first, I was like “I got this! Everything in my apartment is sugar-free and whole grain.”

Then I got home with the list of sugars and realized even my “sugar-free” jelly had sugar. I quickly took the recommendations to eat nothing with sugar higher than the 5th ingredient to extremes. I refused anything with sugar on the label whatsoever. Even if it said less than 1%.

There was hidden sugars in my celestial seasonings tea, my seasonings, nuts – I was surprised. It was everywhere. (And I was no dummy, mind you.)

I’d been on a “sugar-free” diet for ages! I read the nutrition facts (calories, carbs, sugars…etc) and looked for no-sugar added and sugar-free on the packaging. But you really have to look at the ingredients and know all the different names of sugar in order to go sugar free.

I knew about sugar in salad dressing, spaghetti sauce and ketchup, but in Worchestershire sauce? Sugar-free Yogurt? Veggie burgers? Often these products list O g sugar on the label and that is where most sugar-concious Americans look.

Off to my parent’s house where I unload a box full of sugar-free, low-fat, whole grain and other seemingly innocuous food (trail mix (no dried fruit), popcorn (not advised), whole wheat pasta (No Flour). I also told them I had to get a food scale. They were … very uncomfortable. (My daughter is anorexic and you’re putting her on a diet?) but very supportive.

I have yet to follow the meal plan letter-for-letter in terms of quantity (3 snacks say what?). I have certainly relaxed a bit in terms of food combining. It might be okay to eat a meal without fat, you know? Let’s not get obsessed about macronutrients.

(they were so weird about snacks. It had to be fruit and protein or dairy and veggie. I asked, “Can I just have a yogurt with nuts?” “No…you can have yogurt with cucumbers?”  I was seriously underweight…you think they’s tell me to eat the nuts!)

Mind you – the dietician at the time was filling in for the regular dietician, who has a cult-like following among everyone who has crossed her path. You have to give props to any dietician whose eating disorder patients (even anorexics) are in love with. I want to hire her when I save enough money.

After I left Milestones, I started taking so many “liberties” …I eventually began eating erratically and that just ends up bad. Very unbalanced.

Now I am hoping to get back on track — eating regular meals and snacks in proper portions that include fats and carbs.

I have never strayed from the the No Sugar – No Flour idea. For two reasons:

1. I ate this way, educated myself about nutrition, and began to feel so much better. Everything I read made perfect, almost biblical sense. I am a total advocate. I just hate the idea of processed foods. The stuff that is engineered to masquerade as food in this country is responsible for America’s Obesity epidemic and it sickens me.

2. There is most certainly a part of this that appeals to my disordered self.

We shall see.

Vegetarian — Ish

I stopped eating white meat in 6th grade, red meat in 8th…flirted with veganism for a few years in college. My eating choices were absolutely not the cause of my eating disorder, nor were my choices prompted by any sort of eating disorder. (However the two developed a very interesting, almost symbiotic relationship).

I was hospitalized for a week about 6 years ago and was severely malnourished. I agreed to try some animal protein. Anything to avoid the thrice weekly echiocardiograms I was getting. Plus, I was really hungry.

Chicken GROSSES me out (factory farming and disease) so that was a no. I will eat turkey about twice a year (preferably free-range organic). I eat cheese and yogurt but never drank milk after my vegan stint in college. I can’t do the milk thing. I drink soy or almond.

Seafood? Don’t even get me started. LOVE AT FIRST BITE. I can be quoted as saying “I am mostly vegetarian but one of my favorite foods is lobster.” How backwards is that? I know die-hard carnivores that swear Lobster-Meat is cruel. “How Could You eat That and not a Chicken?”

I have enough of a hard time feeding myself as it is, I really can’t handle thinking about cutting out more food right now. Your diet is a personal choice. I really don’t ever get ”preachy”. Eat it if you want. Just know what you are eating. 

Au Naturel – Real Food

Our bodies, minds, and souls are designed to consume food. Not FOOD-LIKE products. When we start adding chemicals, additives, refined corn and flour… it just messes everything up. Our bodies, our earth, our minds.  Messes us up. Period. That’s it. Ends there.

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Peanut Butter & Pickle Tutorial

(this post bought to you by the letter P)

PeaBee and Pickles. It’s a Caterpillar delicacy and prone to making several appearances on this blog of mine.

Exhibit A, Exhibit B, Exhibit C, and Again

I rest my case. As a proponent of such an adventurous snack, it’s my civic duty to prepare readers who’re inspired to try this culinary oddity with the knowledge they need beforehand.

One should not undertake pickle and peanut butter consumption blindly.

Proper Pickle & PeaBee Preparation

(say it three times fast)

This, my friends, is how it’s really done.

#1. Picking the Perfect Pickle

(three times fast)

DO NOT go and get some slimy soggy pickle off the grocery store shelves. You need fresh, crisp deli pickles.

Get the half-sour variety. More cucumber than pickle, they are pre-pubescent pickles* with a vibrant green color.

*(three times fast)

Check the ingredients. You’re looking for no preservatives – just the basics. These ones are made right in my hometown. You gotta go local on this one.

#2 Persnickety Peanut Butter Preference

(3 times fast)

Select a peanut butter with no added sugar. I prefer to grind my own with dry-roasted unsalted peanuts:

*ahem* This counts, right?

For real though, check your ingredients. Don’t be fooled by labels like “Organic” or “Natural” because most have added sugar. My favorite off the shelf?

A little salt won’t hurt:

#3 Putting on the Peanut Butter

This step requires neither skill nor fancy utensils. Just get the job done using your intuition and whatever you have on hand.

This is actually too much peabee for my pickle palate, but you can spread the excess on the other half. Experiment – you’ll find the ratio that pleases you.

There you have it! All the background you need to develop Peanut Butter & Pickle Prowess.

My parents are probably proud.

Please take a moment to participate in my survey by telling me what you think.

A) Um…Gross. But we can still be friends. 

B) I love pickles and peanut butter.

C) I’m intrigued, but it ain’t gonna happen.

D) I’m gonna get my peabee and pickle swagger on soon.

Do any of y’all eat weirdo snack combos?

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Special Vlogcast

I interrupt my normal blogging style to deliver this special broadcast vlogcast for those who’ve left comments on my last two posts.

And now, a word from your sponsor:

(This won’t take long, I promise)

You may now continue with your regular scheduled blog reading.

Gave a great week!

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WTF Wednesday

I don’t write everyday because doing so would result in completely asinine posts like this one. Truthfully, I’m feeling super low and when I get in these funks I’m not fun to hang out with.

However, I’m having “a day” and it’s Wednesday so WTF as in:

WHATEVER. It’s TOTALLY FINE.

More Ws Ts & Fs….

• I Woke up this morning feeling “that feeling you get when you’re feeling fat because fat is not a feeling.” Whatever. I’m Totally Fat FINE.

• Tasty beverage Treat

• Filing like a Rock Star

• Head-to-toe Target ensemble. This dress and these shoes have no business with each other. Whatever. Totally Fine.

• Funky Smelling Lunch

• Whoa! Did you see Mama Pea’s give-a-way yet? I thought my heart couldn’t grow fonder….sigh. She rocks my socks flip-flops. So does this cause <—

• Time change is tickling me pink. I snapped this pic Sunday and posted it on the facebook.

• Faxing is FUN, huh?

• Water, of the mineral kind.

• Traded in the book I was going to read at the gym for something more appropriate and entertaining.

• Fruity Snack

• Weigh? No way.

 

• I’m both tempted and terrified by the scale lately. Should I? I took a moment to remember where TRUE BEAUTY comes from and tagged one for the team.

• I feel fat, but today I choose to Focus on other things, like how FORTUNATE I am.

(Source)

Whatever. I’m Totally Fine.

• What were some of your WTFs today?
• Do you weigh yourself? Do you think it’s important?
• Have you dropped an Operation Beautiful sticky?

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Storytime: What’s Missing?

Gather around boyfriends and girlfriends…settle down and grab a seat. Criss cross applesauce.

Shhh….inside voices.

It’s time for a story. Today’s share?

    

“The Missing Piece” by Mr. Silverstein

 

Interpreted by Miss. Caterpillar

That would be me.

Ever felt you were missing something? Most of us have felt that something about “us” is lacking or broken. 

 

We go about our lives the way we are and we may seem content.

But somewhere along the way we decide we can be better.

Maybe we get stuck in the grass-is-greener trap, or a sadness in our lives leaves us feeling empty and flawed.

We decide that if we change ourselves, then we can be happy. So we try different things – explore different roles. We try and find the missing puzzle piece that will make us feel better.

 

We might fill the emptiness with a new relationship or hairstyle. We may shop for a new wardrobe. Maybe we dedicate our lives to our career or devote all our time to studying. Some of us explore religion; some of us explore drugs.

We may try to fill the emptiness with food, a new diet, or health regime.

We try different things that don’t exactly fit.

So we exchange them for the next new pursuit, every time with the promise that this will finally fix us.

We might find our “niche” and be happy for a while.

At least we think we’re happy. Everything in our lives is running smoothly.

 

 

 

Sound familiar?

(I know…right?)

One day we realize what we’re really “missing” is our selves. The special things that make us unique.

We realize that there was never anything “broken” about us in the first place.

 

This book reminds me of this quote:

"Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you.

But if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder."     Henry David Thoreau

I hope you enjoyed it.

 

Remember boys and girls, we are God’s children. We are beautiful just the way we are and he will provide us with everything we need to be complete.

• What are some of the pieces you’ve picked up and put down in your life?

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The Biggest Loser

This is difficult to write. I intend to be as delicate as I can. I’m sorry if anyone finds this offensive or disturbing – (I don’t say the T-word<–)

I’ve been belligerent lately and it doesn’t suit me.

After visiting Jess at the Renfrew Center, I drove home feeling angry.

It had nothing to do with Jess, I loved spending time with her (it would’ve been better if she was on vacation though).

While there, I met two women who were textbook-case, shock & awe, tabloid television, no hair, almost in-human examples of an anorexic figure. (I’m trying to be delicate, but let’s get real.)

We’ve all seen it. I’ll link to Isabelle Caro (rest her soul), because she intentionally used her shocking appearance in the media to aggressively campaign against anorexia.

(source)

You can watch her story by clicking HERE and HERE.

It was heart-breaking. These women bought tears to my eyes. I could tell they were beautiful, delightful souls – their spirits practically shining out from within them as they spoke.

It was like seeing a rainbow inside of a skull, inside a skeletal Halloween-costume and mask. The pained expressions of their families devastated me.

I left feeling angry – angry at this disease, but also angry at myself. I felt so foolish running around focusing on recovery and shoving food down my throat in the interest of gaining weight. I’m okay for the most part.

I feel tired of people mentioning my weight. I’m even more frustrated that I continue to take other people’s opinions into consideration. I told my friends and family,

“I’m OVER IT.”

“I don’t care anymore what anyone has to say about my weight. I feel fine and it’s my body and it will find the place it wants to be.”

That’s when my brother said this:

“Just because someone lost more than you at the casino,

doesn’t mean you don’t

have a gambling problem”

Wow.

I thanked him.

It’s not about weight.

My little rant above? It’s a familiar one. People battle eating disorders everyday even though they are weight restored or even overweight. Some refuse treatment because they don’t feel “sick enough.”

I’m sharing this quote for them. 

I’m sharing for all women with disordered eating patterns and complicated relationships with food.

It’s NOT OKAY.

It’s not okay to feel guilt or anxiety about missing a workout. It’s not okay to skip meals to make up for a “splurge.” It’s not okay to say you’re being “bad” when you eat chocolate cake or cut out carbs three days before an event.

It’s not okay –even if the magazines portray this behavior as normal.

At my worst, I looked scary. There are no pictures from that time, because I wasn’t really present. (I never lost my hair thank goodness and I’ve a naturally full face that can withstand a ton of weight loss.)

I have come so far since then and have made great strides in the past few months.

This picture never made it online, I look too tired and thin.

The photo below gives me the creeps on so many levels.

I was aiming for “surrender” but it came out more “crucifix.”

Today my weight is healthier, but my thoughts aren’t.

 

I’m proud of myself but I still have work to do.

My struggle is not over.

It’s not a matter of weight.

* I added my contact information on my about page and while you’re over there check out my geeky flair. *

*Did you vote for Mal yet? Click here and vote please

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Season’s Eatings- Sweet Potato Fiesta Salad (Vegan)

Ahhh…Winter in Florida.

Wouldn’t change a thing.

Despite constant sunshine, my tastebuds changed during Fall and Winter. I ate more hearty soups like my Profound Pumpkin and Black Bean and Wise Gal Split Pea:

 

Lots of greens, Brussels, squash, apples and other seasonal produce…

 

  

…like citrus fruit. Not exactly what a snow-bound soul wants or needs, but locally grown in the Sunshine State and suitable for our weather. Eating seasonally and locally is what Mother Nature intended. Plus, it’s environmentally and budget friendly. (Yet, I eat asparagus year round. Every little bit counts.)

 

I rarely ate salads and had no desire for tomatoes. Just LOTS of warm, grounding roasted veggies, greens, and even some grains – a new and complicated food for me.

In the past, I’d NEVER have noticed a change in appetite. An eating disorder prevented me from thinking about what I wanted or needed for nourishment.

“What’s for dinner?” meant choosing which mustard to put on lettuce. Learning to eat intuitively is broadening my horizons in an amazing way.

One root veggie I neglected during it’s peak season is the Sweet Potato.

Unless you count these guys:

Spring is approaching and my tastes are shifting again – despite temperatures that haven’t: going from warm to warmer. I want steamed veggies, not roasted. I’m eating more cold fruit, craving salads, fresh veg and tomatoes.

I decided to incorporate my neglected sweet potato in a meal that would capture this “in-between time” and came up with:

Sweet Potato Fiesta Salad (Vegan)

Ingredients:

 

Romaine, Avocados, Black Beans, Scallion, Red Onion, Tomato and…Sweet Potato! I cubed the sweet potatoes with the skin on and steamed them.

Optional:

By optional, I might mean mandatory (if you want).

Nooch, Salsa and Vegan Sour Cream

(If you’re down with dairy, please eat real sour cream – it’s cleaner. Even if you aren’t vegan I highly suggest Nooch on everything.)

Then make a salad:

We all know how to do that, right?

Delicious. The sweet potato compliments the cooling yet spicy Mexican accouterment. The crunchy romaine contrasts the tender sweet potatoes and creamy avocado and alt sour cream.

This hearty yet light salad is packed with fiber, protein, healthy fats, lycopene, carotenoids, B12 (from the nooch) and a large quantity of YUM.

Leftover toppings can be used for nachos, burritos, another salad – or just eat it with a spoon.

Ugly food is good. 

I can’t wait for the time change next weekend. I may have a mild form of S.A.D or something….bring on Spring and Summer!

 

• Who wants to come visit?
• Do your tastes change during the seasons?
• Do you make a point to eat locally and seasonally?
• Ever eat sweet potatoes with a Mexican flair?

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Windshield

*Warning – Ridiculous Pictures Ahead (as usual)*

On my way to work this morning I had a thought.

We’re supposed to look THROUGH the windshield,

not AT it.

If we stare at the glass, we’ll miss what’s going on around us.  We might crash. Just as in life. Focusing on internal matters and minutia, the cracks in our windshields,  takes us away from the world around us. We might accidently hurt ourselves or others and we ultimately miss a lot of beautiful scenery.

I need to remember this, because I get so trapped in my head.

I’m having a fat day week month … sigh. Never mind.

I’m getting slightly more comfortable with my weight gain but honestly? Every single second of every day I am excruciatingly AWARE of my body. Every inch. Thigh. Arm. Stomach. Thigh. Waistband. Shirt. Tight. Loose. Itchy….I wish I could explain it better.

Everyday I fight tooth and nail to accept weight gain. It’s REALLY difficult and tiring. It’s like staring at a crack in the windshield and trying to drive.

We’re supposed to LIVE IN our bodies,

not OBSESS OVER them.

I determined to try and get out of my head and into my body.

When the boss asked me to run an errand I took the opportunity to jump around a bit. Try to live in my body.

Skip to my lou, Shoo fly shoo.

*Ridiculous Pictures in three…two….one…*

Being ridiculous ALWAYS cheers me up.

Suddenly, I noticed it’s a GORGEOUS day today.

Blue skies, sunshine and a breeze through my hair.

 

I played some more.

 

Then my knees hurt. Ouch.

I used to do back handsprings and toe touches. Now, I have the body of an eighty-year old. Awesome. But shifting my focus…

I caught a few more glimpses of the day

And it’s back to work for me.

That’s okay, though. It’s FRIDAY!

*happychairdancing*

  

Cheers!

This weekend let’s remember to:

Look THROUGH the windshield, not AT it.

While we’re at it:

Look through the windshield, not the rearview.

Just be present, engaged and –>Captivated<–

Be Captivated, not captive of our minds.

PS: I love it when my Kombucha comes with extra Mother Love.

And inspiration.

• What cracks on your windshield distract you?
• Check out Julie’s post on fat days —>click here<— I agree with her 100%.

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