Please Note: This post does not involve kissing games.
(Do kids even play those anymore…Truth or Dare? Spin the Bottle? Not that I ever did…ahem. I digress.)
No kissing games here, but this does involve you (YES YOU) getting up-close and personal with me (YES ME).
Oh, and the number 7.
Why? Because I’m a…
wait for it…
![stylish_blogger_award[8]](http://missymiller.files.wordpress.com/2011/01/stylish_blogger_award8.jpg "stylish_blogger_award[8]")
Stylish Blogger.
I know, right?
Fiona (<—love her) honored me with this accolade today and far be it for me to turn down an award or prize. (I’ve had far too few of them in my life.)
To accept the award you’re supposed to write seven things about yourself, but I’m a natural-born rule breaker bender.
(Maybe that explains the lack of rewards and prizes?)
I felt like I’ve already done the “all about me” stuff here, here and there, and everywhere (face it – my blog is all about me 99.9% of the time) Each time I’ve thought, “Really, Missy, who cares!” Obviously, that never stopped me. It was fun and productive for me to rediscover myself and put my own spin on things.
Today, I can’t push aside the “What the heck would anyone want to know about you?” stuff. I’m too tired to write something interesting, like ‘Seven Things You Can do to Support your Local Farmers.’ Perhaps another day.
So, if you are reading this (and I will always wonder why)…
“Now I’d like to pass the mic”
*taptap* Is this thing on?
Is there anything you want to know? I’m an open book.
Leave your Q’s down there if you dare or care (rhyme!)
And I’ll reply with an A. No holds barred. Want to know if I dye my hair? (No) Who I voted for in the Last Presidential Election? (Obama) Questions about my beautiful struggles, my recovery, my eating disorder, my dog?
Go on ahead.
Don’t have any questions? I’m not surprised at all.
However, if you are reading this I officially proclaim YOU a stylish blogger (or blog-reader) cause you CLEARLY have special taste. (Yes, I mean special as in “special”).
Do up seven things or post your own “Ask me anything?” Post. I dare you. Like, “Truth or Dare” you.
you are always so clever and witty in your posts. I love it! I’ve done the 7 seven things and yes, I’ve done the 7 minutes in heaven. Oh to be a teenager again. NO THANKS!
LC
I, like Chelsey, never did play seven minute in heaven but did play spin the bottle and it never pointed at me which was the biggest relief. Thank goodness for Judy Blume!
I never did 7 minutes in heaven but I did do Spin the Bottle (first kiss – ::cringe::).
I want to know what triggered your eating disorder. I’m sure you have answered this question in the past, but I want a refresher!
That’s a good question! I haven’t written much about my whole “story” so you’re not missing anything. I really dont’ know what “triggered” my eating disorder. In my recovery I focus on the “here I am, now what?” rather than the “why?” I have a normal background, no traumatic event or abuse or neglect. No history of “cutting” or drug addiction. I’m kinda normal. Gymnastics, Girl Scouts, Co-Captain of the Cheerleading Team, Honor/AP student, Friends, Parties, quirky personality….on the outside and for the most part all was well. (Actually re-reading this it sounds WAY more idyllic than it was. I had plenty of insecurities and certainly was not the perfect child (sneaking out, cigarettes, the grunge look…etc). I don’t have the “perfectionism” gene, so that ain’t it. I suppose it has something to do with low-self esteem and inner lacking….something inside me must feel “not worthy” or there must be (is) some emptiness there. I am working on that. There are two things I have done in my life that I regret…and sometimes I wonder if I am punishing myself for those things. But, maybe I’ll never know. Work in progress.
Still interested? I’m adding a comment of my own that details some of the timeline of my experience.
You are adorable! This post made me smile so much!
Based on the title I thought you were going to talk about this book:
http://www.amazon.com/90-Minutes-Heaven-Story-Death/dp/0800759494
buuut then I realized 90 minutes is not the same as 7! lol. Have you heard of that book? It’s good. My Gramma read it when she was told by doctors that her time was limited. It’s very uplifting. It’s been hard for me to read because I still miss her so much, but when I’m feeling ready I can’t wait to dive deeper into it.
ANYWAYS (that wasn’t random was it!? 0_0) my question for you issss…what does your exercise look like right now? Exercise has been super compulsive for me. Have you struggled with over exercising??
Stay strong Missy! I love you so much and I will e-mail soon : )
xxx
Sarah
I’ve exercised most of my life. After disorderd eating took hold, I developed certain compulsion for it. Not long ago I would skip out on Family Gatherings, happy hours with friends, and sometimes even skip work to go to the gym. When I was unemployed I would go there for hours at a time…just walking real slow and then swimming. To kill time. I would eat my lunch in the locker room, though cause I was in recovery. <—Hah! Needless to say, I know most everyone at my gym. It's funny.
I am happy now to be in a place where, I feel compelled to exercise every day but really only to feel good. But I'm in and out. I hit up the sauna for 10-15 then hop in the ppol. I use to HAVE to swim at least 35 laps, now I hardly make it to 15 (a little less than 1/2 a mile) and it takes 10-15 minutes. I'm just not into swimming in the winter after work when it gets dark so soon. Hopefully my laid back attitude will extend into the summer — that's where I get into trouble.
Thanks for the good question! That was a good "mental exercise" for me. I tend not to focus on my "needs fixing" enough.
hmmm questions for you:
Do you see a dietitian why or why not?
Does your famimly ever mention your ED? are you open about it?
Dana xo
happinessiswithinblog.com
I have not seen a dietician for three years or so…I sometimes feel like I want one. I don’t feel like I need someone to tell me how or what to eat. I’m a big girl now and I know what a normal meal looks like…it’s just a matter of doing it. Only I can do that. It would be nice to have someone to talk about my diet with…cause no one else really cares. I have no idea what I should weigh or what I do weigh or how mnay calories I need…it’d be nice to get some input. Like “why the heck is my face bloated for two weeks?” <—no, not purging.
For now, I let my body tell me when I am "skimping" …but I'm always open to going back. For now, I just don't want to spend the money.
I'm completely open about my ED and my family is well aware. I mean, the way I looked and all that it could not be hidden so even extended family and family friends know. I am OK with that because I have never let ED be my identity. It comes up…but no one really approaches me and says "So, Missy. How are things going with your food this week?" etc. My brother, who past away, was the only one who would really check in with me and understood that my eating disorder was not something I HAVE but something I am GOING THROUGH as he battled addiction himself (and won). He's gone. You'd think that would be ALL I needed to recover right? I thought so too.
I'd say my family is supportive..they are cautious about what they say and all of that. During family get-togethers they always be sure to accomodate me and my lighter, pescatarian ways, and they always make sure to offer me dessert….even though they know I will say know there may be that one time when I decide to have some. (0:
Are you trying to gain weight? Like REALLY trying?
Would you consider going into a partial program to get more help and support?
(I ask because I am about to actually start trying but am probably going to have to go somewhere to get support with it)
Awesome question…I gave it a lot of thought.
I’ve never thought about my recovery in terms of “trying to gain weight”
I prefer to focus on trying to regain normalcy regarding food, eat regularly, and acceot the changes that come with being healthier.
I understand weight gain is part of all that…but as long as I am not near death, the number on the scale has never been a priority of mine. Nutritionists I’ve seen might disagree but they never discussed weight weight with me.
So no gagging on Ensure shakes for me…I just eat normal and slowly the weight comes on. That’s why it takes a while but I feel like “forcing” myself to eat just in order to see a number on the scale go up is unnatural.
That being said. Right now, I.m trying to recover and accept the weight I have gained. If you asked me this two weeks ago I might have had a different attitude but you caught me in a rough patch. Right now, I’m just trying not to lose weight. I am REALLY trying to not go backwards. But I am REALLY trying. Like, Really really. (0:
I would never have begun to eat and gain weight unless I went into IOP treatment so by all means get support! It can’t hurt, right?
My weight has gone up and down 10-15 lbs throughout the years since….but always remains a good 10 lbs or so over my lowest. (Scary I know).
I see
Thanks for the thought-out response. I ask because I have read a lot of research about what happens to our bodies when we are underweight (physically, emotionally, and mentally). I definitely don’t think recovery is just about the weight, but getting to a healthy weight IS part of it.
Do you think you are reluctant to get to a healthy weight? If so, what is stopping you?
I continually remind myself that God created our bodies to be nourished!
Sarah, I love your comment.
Right now I have no idea what I weigh. I’d like to say I am weight restored, though. This is a problem- my family and some other people would say I still need to gain. So at this point I jut feel like I am going a bit bonkers trying to figure it out. I feel like I am at a healthy weight….just judging on how I feel. And I’m uncomfortable here. So the thought of gaining more blows my mind a bit. So I guess the anwer is yes I am reluctant….because the numbers on the weight chart for me? Seem unnatural. Unfair. I never really thought about all this until you asked. I’m a bit crazier than I thought I guess.
THANK YOU.
I’m beginning to think I might need a bit more help.
I LOVE your honesty! Sometimes I think it can help to get some outside, non-eating disordered perspective. You may think you feel great now, but who knows! Maybe at a higher weight you could feel even BETTER! Maybe you could feel freer. Maybe you could feel more connected to people and to God. Who knows?!
Exactly…I’ll be thinking and praying about that for a while. Especially right now.
Chelsea’s question got me thinking…
There were certain critical points I can recount, however, in terms of the trajectory of my ED. I recall being “aware” of my body as compard to other girls in gymnastices as early as 2nd grade. In ” 9th grade I decided to “diet” but I was never fat o overweight. My “diet” was straight up disordered. I was already a healthy eater and a vegetarian. But I began skipping meals, Eating 1/2 a granola bar and nothing else all day. I exercised in my room at night and snuck out to run … because I knew inherently that I had no business losing weight and was embarrassed a bit. I would never call myself “fat” around my girlfriends…cause it would sound stupid. Yet inside I began to feel “fat” and began to become a bit haunted. I think 9th grade was the last time I ever really ate lunch until 3 years ago and I stopped eating lunch very early in 9th grade. Same with breakfast. The disordered eating continued. I started binging in 12th grade. That scared me. You can’t convince you’re normal when you eat an entire box of cereal. I really stopped because I was so disgusted. I never purged my food. I did gain weight.
In college the disordered eating continued….but I still had a life. I’d go out to eat with friends and I had boyfriends, extra curriculars, internships…I would eat pizza or ice cream every once in a while. Dancing, nightclubs….all good things. My senior year of college I began to binge again and …sigh…I began to purge. I would do this once or twice a month.
After college was when the shizzle hit the fizzle, however. I moved to Austin, TX with my boyfriend (who I was sure I would marry) and things went from bad to worse. By this time I was very pre-occupied with weight, body, diet… obviously. I recall discovering that you could follow atkins as a vegetarian and began to cut the carbs I was eating. Then stopped eating any carbs. Then I started getting crazy. I recall refusing to eat cucumbers. I ate a veggie burger with lettuce (just lettuce) and mustard at night and a coffee in the morning.
Four years after I moved to Austin, my 6-year relationship ended. My boyfreind moved out…I was really depressed. I lost my appetite. I basically stopped eating. My brain shut down. My memories of this time are like swiss cheese. The stories I can recall are crazy. (crawling up the stairs in my apartment, having to pull off the road and “rest” when driving home because the gas petal was too heavy…<—-where was I?). My brain was GONE. Yes co-workers and my boss were concerened. I kept saying I had an ulcer ( some of them read this so –sorry for the lies, you guys!) Eventually I looked like a skeleton. Concentration Camp. Scary. There was no hiding it — it was obvious. My ex-boyfriends brother called my parents, his parents called my parents…. my mom was on the next plane to Texas. I fessed up, I went to a DR. I went to the hospital for about a week. I started my journey to recover. Six years (some of them spent in denial, some in relapse) have gone by and I’m not there yet but I have come SO far.
*phew* I need a nap.
Wow – thanks for going into detail Missy. I notice dhow you kept saying, “I knew I wasn’t fat – if I said I was fat, I would just sound stupid”. I’ve heard that countless times about ED’s – do you think it’s a control thing?
Control certainly has it’s place in all eating disorders… when I felt like I couldn’t share in the “oh I am so fat” talk…it’s almost as if I KNEW the whole time how crazy I was..am?
“Post. I dare you.”
Okay, hi – I’ve been reading your blog for a couple of months and have been wanting to reach out to you and say “Wow – keep going Missy!” You don’t know me and I live on the other side of the Atlantic, but I just wanted to let you know that your blog had touched and inspired me and that I’m rooting for you in recovery.
My question: I love the way you write – have you studied/trained in this area? Do you spend a lot of time trying to get your blog posts to convey what you’re thinking and feeling or do you just let it tumble out how it comes?
Take care of yourself, x
Thanks for your kind words and hello!
I’ve been told I have a way with words and I love to write–it comes easily to me. I excelled in English in High School and wrote for my school paper. When I went to college to study journalism I was sure I’d be a writer for the Rolling Stone when I graduated. But, I fell in love with Advertising and I picked up a degree in both advertising and English. Though my writing has come in handy, I’ve never had my dream jobs of being an advertising copywriter or Children’s Literature Author. I think you can see my penchant for both in this blog.
I LOVE children’s books….So, my blogging reflects that. It has a main character (me) and each entry has an ending (of sorts) and of course there are illustrations! I get a kick out of it. I blog about stuff I am going through…mostly to work it out in my mind and learn from it. I swear the blog writes itself though. The words certainly tumble. I don’t spend lots of time. It’s full of grammar faux-pas, sentence fragments and missy-isms…but that’s what I love about blogging. I blog the way I talk.
It’s such a fun hobby. Do you like writing? Maybe you should start a blog!
Thanks for your reply – I’m still so new to taking part in the blogworld (as oposed to lurking…) that I am genuinely super-excited to be communicating with someone whose life I have been reading about and caring about from a distance.
I like to write to sort things out in my mind and as a record of challenges I’ve overcome and how things have changed but these ramblings hardly ever make it onto the blog I started (3 posts in 9 months!). I worry way too much about how my words will sound and if I really want my life and my struggles ‘out there’. I’m going to try and let the words tumble…
It’s been great to get to know more about you – I’m still cheering you on, x
I like to communicate to!
Let me know when you get to blogging again or email me anytime.
Melissaannmiller@hotmail.com
It is hard to accept gaining weight. I know it. I feel it as I write this. You are not alone.
But you and I just have to do it. Get to a healthy number of pounds. Talk it out, and then try to eat. Just do it. Deal with the emotions afterwards. See how more energy makes you feel. Write it down, and take it out when “the bad voice” comes screaming at ya.
What will you do when you get better? Something that you cannot do now.
Have you ever had chest pains or other symptoms caused by ED?
When I get better I will be able to have more of a LIFE…more socializing, dating…etc. I also believe I will have more financial security which will enable me to save and buy a condo maybe or a new car. I can’t do that now. All my energy is taken up by ED.
Have children? I’m not going there because I want to cry when I think about it…I think I missed the boat.
I realy want to go to Victoria Island in British Columbia when I am “there” …which is odd because I only earned about it from reading Snacking Squirrel. Of all the places I want to go that just seems like the perfect place to start.
Symptoms of ED? Yes. I still have a heart arrhythmia and have been hospitalized for dehydration as well as the arrhythmia twice. My skin and teeth look gross, my hair has been okay (though it fell out one summer because of a swimming pool and that was traumatic) I’ve had some lanugo I guess..purple skin…I have never passed out though.
Currently I just tend to look like crap and sometimes feel like crap if I don’t eat properly.
Thank for the advice about the gain I need that right now SOOOO badly.
[...] for a separate post). Thanks so much you guys, that was quite a growth experience for me. (clicky) To anyone else, feel free to ask me anything you want, [...]
[...] Last month Gabriela passed along the “Creative Blogger” title to me and Beth deemed me a “Stylish Blogger” once again. [...]
I believe you said you are in Florida. Do you mind me asking where? I went to an awesome IOP in Naples, with a wonderful RD and amazing therapists. I just wanted to pass the name along if you were interested.