Ever have a Paint by Number kit?
(Shouts Outs to Bob Ross and his “Little happy Cloud”)
They can be relaxing. Teach you good technique. Give you good practice, and a sense of accomplishment. Sure.
“I painted it myself!”
But they don’t make you an artist.
Your simply following directions, recreating someone else’s vision rather than using your own.
It kind-of sucks the joy out of it.
That’s how I feel about
my meal plan****
Like a paint-by-number, my meal plan was necessary in the beginning. It allowed me to practice eating & develop my technique, so to speak.
But I want to be an artist.
I want to move beyond the black and white
and add some color of my own. <—-
I want to eat in a way that naturally expresses how I feel, what I want, what my body needs, and what will satisfy me.
I don’t want to consult an instruction manual while deciding what’s for dinner.
I want to open the fridge and ask myself what do I want?
Sorry about the butt shot.
I find myself in a place where meal plans seem more eating disordered to me than just, well, eating!
For me, recovery means being a lot more normal-sauce.
I mean, come on now. Weighing out 6 oz of an apple? Really?
Just eat the dang thang! It’s an apple!
Two months ago I ditched the meal plan in favor of a more intuitive way of eating.
See this?
It’s a spoonful of peanut butter.
Not a “Tablespoonful”.
Not my “snack”
Not “a” anything.
I just wanted some peebee!
So I had some.
Then I made post peebee face. <3
My move toward intuitive eating was not taken lightly. I’m well-read and knowledgeable about nutrition, and I’m keeping my feelers up – on the lookout for signs of relapse.
So far, so good!
It has been difficult, yes.
Mostly, it has been joyful.
A whole new world has opened up to me.
I have gained a new respect for food and my body.
Speaking of gaining….guess what?
I am gaining finding weight. <——
I’m more comfortable with my weight gain
I am able to tolerate my weight gain
It’s a teensy bit easier to deal with my weight gain knowing I played a “part” in creating it.
What can I say. It’s still a bee-otch.
Le Sigh.
But I like food. Food tastes Good.
I’ll deal.
-
What is your relationship like with your meal plan?
-
Since entering recovery, have you studied or become more interested in nutrition?
-
Do you like crayons and peanut butter? *giggle* Please drop me a line I love to hear from you.
****Three years ago I was given a rather restrictive meal plan, which I latched onto in a disordered way (I plan to reflect on that in future posts but you can read more about it here<—–).
I am not discouraging meal plans, encouraging intuitive eating, recommending anything at all for anyone reading this right now. I am simply sharing where I am. For me, the meal plan I was given eventually became a mechanism to control my eating and inspiring me to restrict ****
oh i sooooooooooo know what umean! i think focusing and being obsessed and reliant on an mp can be a disorder in itself! theyre useful to get us going at the start, but dependacy on them is not natural! having said that, we still need to be conscious we r eating enough. good for u missy! xxx
Well, yes. That is the rub. I want to eat intuitively but I am not skipping meals no matter if I am not hungry.
For now I think it is better to err on the side of caution.
Awesome job loosening up! I hated my meal plan at IOP…then I found a RD with the philosophy of a hands off approach. Instead she worked with me on my fears/feelings around food and helped me come up with one challenge a week. It could be adding a piece of fruit a day, a little fat, doing less exercise, whatever. Just something different.
I am so happy for your concordance. Perhaps I might need to consult a different nutritionist in the future as I do have complicated foods” I need to work on.
But your comments to me a while back really got me thinking.
Why no flour? You asked…
And I really had no answer, you know?
It was because someone told me I couldn’t have it and the ED grabbed it and took off running.
Thank you for taking that time to reach out and write, I will never forget it (whoever you are..heehee <3)
~Missy
I find that following a meal plan can be a trigger and can definitely make me feel like I am not doing what’s best for my body. Now, I don’t measure (unless it’s something like oatmeal or baking… you know what I’m talking about) and just eat what my body WANTS!!!
Great job Missy – you look amazing.
Thanks Chels!
Over the past months I have found myself wanting to go back and measure out TBSP of hummus and peanut butter and cups of soup and write down my food because…I felt like I wanted to restrict.
That realization fueled me to just ditch the meal plan.
~Missy
I think meal plans definitely have pros and cons. As you begin to eat more normally and increase how much you are eating, meal plans can be a helpful guide. For me personally, sometimes I forget just how MUCH food my body needs in order to gain weight. It is easy for me to say I am going to eat intuitively, which really just enables me to eat how I feel like eating and doesn’t lead to necessary weight gain. I say “I’m not hungry” or “I’m listening to my fullness cues,” when really I need to be eating past fullness so I can continue to gain.
But at the same time, I think meal plans can also increase obsessions, calorie counting, etc… However, since I still have a significant amount of weight to gain, I am trying to accept eating past fullness (which doesn’t feel very intuitive). Sometimes we just need to let go of the control and surrender it to something else for a season, which may be a professional or a meal plan.
I think the meal plan you were following seems extremely restrictive, though. Especially for someone needing to gain. Elminating all flours seems counter-intuitive to someone in recovery from anorexia.
Thanks for the feedback, Sarah.
I am def not in the place where I can skip meals or “wimp out” because that scares me, so yes I am eating even when I am not hungry — which isn’t intuitive so to speak, but since I have a history of ED those rules dont apply.
But, who knows? I have my feelers up big time…but I know this is the best — especially because lately there has been part of me wanting to go back and start weighing and all that crap. why? Because I am feeling the “f” word and want to cut back and control. So, yeah. I have a feeling that meal plan wasnt the best.
~Missy
I really like that idea, eating what you what, when you want it(: Instead of a strict meal plan (which taught me to eat right, but now I don’t want to do that anymore)
It’s like, if we want poptarts for dinner, who’s stopping us? If we want to eat a bunch of snacks all day(that will be the same cal count as before if we ate 3 meals) then what’s stopping us from doing that either? We should be able to do what we want(:
Thanks for posting this(: Maybe I’ll try intutive eating one day myself.
Yes, but definetely tell your nutri about it okay?
I got way to caught up in the the whole “1/2 cup yogurt, 3 oz banana, two tablespoons of peanut butter, 1/2 cup cereal…thing” It’s like I was controlling.
I moved toward “I put some yogurt and banana and cereal in a bowl and topped it off with peanut butter.”
I used to be like “I ate 8 crackers and T tbs of hummus and 15 almonds…etc”
Now it I have some crackers, almonds and hummus.
You know what I mean?
Be careful!
I think early in the recovery process, meal plans are absolutely essential. If I hadn’t had a meal plan that got progressively bigger, I never would have added sufficient protein to my diet, eaten enough to run healthfully, tried new foods, etc. I had NO IDEA what “normal” eating was or how to portion things or how to put foods together in combinations that would fuel my body efficiently. I desperately needed my meal plan to start with.
However, at a certain point, the meal plan becomes, like you said in one of your comments – another way to restrict. Another thing to fixate on. I think at that point, it’s good to have “guidelines” – these are how many exchanges I *should* eat breakfast/lunch/snack/dinner – but if I’m still hungry, I’ll eat more. I’m not as hungry, I’ll eat a little less now and make it up later.
I think there is definitely a certain point in recovery that you have to reach before you can do that – or you’re asking for relapse. I try to eat “intuitively” – but like you, absolutely do NOT skip meals, even if I’m not hungry. My meal last night took me near forever to eat (and I still felt SO FULL after), but I finished it, dang it. Protein, carbs, fat and all.
Fake it ’til you make it, baby. Even if you’re not excited about it, I’m super proud of you for continuing to “find weight” and step into the fullness of life Christ called you into.
Aw..you rock.
We are on the same page….I am so happy people can understand!
They are so necessary at first and I am so happy my meal plan was restrictive even…cause it was less scary. (No sugar, no flour…etc)
But then I got obsessed kind of.
Thanks for being proud of me.
Me being a teenage, it’s really easy to just grab random food and eat it instead of worry about portion size. Its fun to channel your inner teen an just eat, right?! :p I LOVE, LOVE LOOVEE peanut butter. It has it’s own category on the food pyramid for me
Yes and yes!
Peanut butter is manna from heaven.
And almond butter and sunflower seed butter and casew butter and….you get where I am heading with this. (0;
I just found your blog and I absolutely love this post. Your blog is filled with so much information and I could spend hours just reading it.
I’m trying to find my way on my so-called meal plan and it’s quite difficult but it’s so hard for me not to measure out everything.
Hi Holly,
Thanks for the shouts!
I will know proceed to check out your site — I am already intrigued as I see the word “swim” (0:
There is a lot of information in my blog -0- yes.
About what? Besides me and my ridiculousness? Not sure.
Anyways, glad you enjoY!
Missy,
thank you so much for my belated birthday wishes, it was very kind of you
I can understand how you feel about your meal plan, i think it can be a trigger, you can get so stuck in a rut. I think you just need to take a step back and think what does Missy want, not Ed. Just like the spoon of pb its a massive step.
I hope you have a lovely week, keep going and kicking eds butt.
Love Jess xxx
It is super funny that you said “take a step back” because I have been hearing from God something that is cvery nmuch the same thing.
I plan on posting about it soon, so If you read my blog you will know what I mean.
Sigh.
I just wish I could be sure people read my replies.
But alas, I know where to find you now!
I am still not ready to eat intuitively. Maybe one day. But I am super glad you are. I have made my own meal plan and it is working. I am a teeny weeny proud of that. I have gained six pounds since the summer.
To me the best weight-gainers turn around pasta, bread and some cookies too – hey I gotta eat what I like, other wise I won’t do it. So cutting out flour would never work for me. That is actually how I lost the weight.
So, we are all different… and that is so wonderful. You are wonderful! And beautiful. I’d love to take you shopping and show you how pretty you can be – because you already are!
*drool* I would LOVE a make-over from you.
When I get rich and fly to Paris with suitcases of money I am certainly gonna make you stick to your word!
I think you should be more that a “teeny weeny” proud of that.
I tyhink that making your own meal plan, in a way, is a little bit like intuitive eating.
After all, you decided what you like!
great job, girl! people who haven’t been through this have no idea what it feels like. i know how you feel…it’s like you know you’re doing the right thing deep down, but it still eats at you. so proud of you, girl. intuitive eating is a great endeavor!
xo.
Thanks for the encouragement!
There are some people in my life who were like … NO!!!
But it helps to know that there are people out there who “get it”
~Missy
I think you are really smart to recognize that your strict meal plan was furthering disordered eating thoughts and now you are working towards intuitive eating. Over the years, I’ve really learned how to listen to my body and eat what I need, crave, want to fuel me in life and my workouts and choose foods that I really enjoy! Through your honesty and insight, you are going to gradually keep “finding weight” in a healthy manner to be able to utilize your body for all the wonderful things you want in this life. I have nothing but confidence and faith in you. xo
i understand where you are coming from with this post, i just do not know how much of it i buy as the truth. your a very very skinny individual and while you may be making gains in your ability to write, the real proof is whether you accept recovery or not and that comes with accept weight gain, not calling it a beeotch. every sufferer, myself included know gaining weight blows ass, but when you allow yourself to accept recovery and what it comes with, you serve yourself better to just ‘eat fucking food’ i like to say
Dang, woman.
My butt hurts.
I LOVE how you just “put it out there”
I read your blog and you probably have no idea how often I think about what you say about “accepting recovery” and wondering what that might mean…
How do I “accept” recovery…etc.
Well, thanks for showing me one way I am not accepting recovery and that is in the area of weight gain.
I find your copmment inspiring, encouraging, and….
real.
Wow. I just got served. And I needed to be.
Thanks.
~Missy
well thanks, i think…. i just dont hear the success in your words nor the confidence, nor belief. you can ‘talk’ a lot but until you show proof of acceptance youre not going to get anywhere
[...] abandoning my meal plan, I slowly developed a habit of eating “a little of this” and “a little of that” throughout [...]
Just to make sure: you don’t actually think you *are* recovered, right? Because of the ‘watching out for relapse’ comment? I mean this as respectfully as possible, Missy, but you seem to have a long road still ahead of you (I’m not sure what one of the earlier comments meant about “you look amazing.”) I hope you’re embarking on the right path and wish you the best of look!
Oh, no.
I am far from recovered.
But my weight is up from when I wrote this and I think it’s okay to say I DO look amazing (0: