“Ba da, Ba da, Ba da, Ba da…Feelin’ Groovy?”
Sorry Simon and Garfunkel, but me? NOT SO MUCH.
I am most definitely anti-groove. Decidedly un-groovy.
What I AM feeling is the absence of groove. I want my groove back.
I have spent the past week feeling so YUCK. I’ve smiled, yeah. But I’m not feeling like myself.
I am lonely — lonely to the core. This makes me want to isolate because, if I do venture out there, the inevitable return to my apartment, my self, my lonely existence feels even worse. I am being crazy-stupid about food — which is both caused by and contributing to my mucked-up moods. I feel closer to being “in disease” right now than “in recovery.”
Being “in disease” has lost it’s ”charm” (not that it ever had much). I mean — it no longer works for me as a crutch or a coping mechanism. I can’t numb out and lose myself in the ED Insanity without KNOWING THE WHOLE TIME how much it SUCKS and how WEAK I am being.
Add a generous heap of low energy, numbness, lack of sleep and boredom and what do you get?
The opposite of GROOVE.
Hmm….A BUMP. Maybe this is just a “bump in the road.”
The worst part, the scary part, is my lack of motivation or energy to do anything to help myself right now.
I just. Don’t. Care. (For now…)
God? I need a swift kick in the butt.
So….what to do, what to do? I HAVE to take action so I can find my way back to the sunny side of life and …..
Missy,
I’m so sorry that you feel like you are more “in disease” right now. It is frustrating to yo-yo back and forth, but apathy is even worse. I wish that I could say something to help, but I’m not in the best place to give advice right now. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Your lack of energy is most likely due to lack of nutrition. Remeber that you are worth nurturing! Sending a big hug<3 I hope you get your groove back very soon:)
Thanks Angela,
You are so right! The Apathy is the worst part. I am trying to take action as much as possible. You hang in there as well…we will both get our grooves back.
Ah girl I am so sorry for how you feel right now.
I wish I could tell you some secret formula- but YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED TO DO!! Trust in the Lord, He has GOT you. We are all going to heaven someday, and its going to matter SQUAT what your body looked like. You have to live your life. You will have a BEAUTIFUL story one of these days, you will have the power of God to bring people into HIS kingdom. When we are NOT healthy, we are being so selfish because GOD NEEDS US!! Dont be hard on yourself, you are SO important in this world. I see SO much for you in your future. you have to have faith, you have to get healthy so you can LIVE and complete Gods plans. I know its hard girl, i KNOW that! But sometimes we just got to get off our butts and do something about it. I hate that ou are in a dark place, but there is always light girl, there is ALWAYS hope! praying for you
Oh, wow thanks so much! Maybe you were the “swift kick in the butt” I asked God for. Thanks for the prayers!
the ebbs and flows of recovery. blech i know it sucks to be feelnig how ur feeling. ur mojo will come back and i know u know it will, so try ur best to ride it out and stay focused on believing that u’ll get through this soon. take care love <3
I second what kbwood said. Our struggles have less to do with our “weakness” and more to do with the fact that Satan is trying to keep us from fulfilling our incredible call in The Kingdom of God.
I’ve found that in these “downtimes” of recovery it helps to have a list of reasons you’re fighting. Taking my place in the coming Kingdom of God is a big one on my list.
(And in case you haven’t read it, here’s the list I made earlier this year. http://awildernesslovestory.wordpress.com/2010/03/21/why-im-still-fighting/
If you don’t have your own list, I highly recommend writing it down and posting it somewhere you can see it regularly or carry it with you when you’re tempted to engage in behaviours!)
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Thank you much for visiting my blog – it lead me to yours and I like this post. Yeah, the last 10 or so of my posts have actually been talking about a lot of these ups and downs I’m experiencing. I see we all feel a bit frazzled. I like your blog and I look forward to reading!
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